1. You never, ever refer to the city as just “Washington,” it's always "D.C." or "The District."
2. Everyone and everything comes with an acronym. Everyone you know works for AEC, NRC, DOJ, USDA, GAO, NPS or some similar alphabet-soup agency.
3. People in D.C. will constantly try to one-up you, arm-twist you into supporting their pet cause, steal your parking space, but one thing they won't do is judge you for your lifestyle, whatever that may be.
4. D.C. natives are few and far between, so unlike other parts of the eastern seaboard no one looks down on you for the terrible crime of being "not from around here."
5. Try as you might, you can't actually get everywhere by Metro. But I applaud your attempts.
6. Which is why everyone drives itty-bitty little cars—and if you need to haul something bigger than a thumbtack, you rent a truck on Craigslist.
7. If you don’t want to have a grocery shopping related nervous breakdown, you have your groceries delivered.
8. Rush hour is every hour, so it will take 45 minutes or more to drive 10 miles across town. This is just, like, a universal law of D.C. traffic.
9. Northern Virginia may be a great place and all, but I wouldn't know—despite living within spitting distance—getting there is just impossible. Bridges, traffic, solving the mystery of connecting Metro paths. Nah, I’ll just stay home.
10. However, should you ever find yourself lost in Virginia, just point your body toward the Washington Monument pointing up to the sky like a giant compass needle, and start walking.
11. The knock at your door may just be the mayor himself, but only if you live in a swing ward.
12. Your finances will soon come to resemble the Federal Deficit. Seriously, the cost of living is out of control.
13. If there's even a hint of snow in the forecast, all Maryland and Virginia schools will shut down—but it takes an act of congress to close schools in D.C.
14. Declaring and believing down to your soul that the Redskins are always going to suck with Dan Snyder captaining that sinking ship…is how you know that you’ve become a true D.C. resident.
15. Only newbies root for the Nats, so if you want to get in good with the locals root for the Orioles.
16. If you’ve come here from New York, you might just wanna keep that to yourself. There’s quite an, ahem, rivalry between the cities.
17. Unless you like turning green, find a forward facing seat on the Metro since it’s a bumpy ride.
18. The National Zoo is free, but you're in for one hell of an uphill hike—and there will be about a million kids there, even in the dead of winter.
19. Oh, and everyone you know either works for the federal government and/or is a lawyer.
20. You can’t help but become more patriotic when you’re surrounded by American history on a daily basis, in this totally unique and amazing city.
Feature Image Source: Flickr user m01229
