The author's posts are entirely his or her own and may not always reflect the views of Movoto.
“Welcome Week Paint Party - Nazareth College, Rochester NY”byNazareth Collegeis licensed underCC BY 2.0
What, you've never heard of a Sweet 16 with a cocktail hour before? To say Long Island's Sweet 16s are mini-weddings would be a gross understatement. They are full blown weddings, minus the commitment issues. Four course meals, live bands, extravagant venues, and 150-plus invitees are just a drop in the bucket for any father who is lucky enough to have a LI Princess (news flash: that's all of them). They may start like middle school dances with boys on one side and girls on the other, but once the overbearing father gets a few drinks in him, the hormonal teens make their move. Get your stamina up, because there's one every week during your sophomore year in high school.
“Look who showed up for sunset on Long Island! @lizardmama @cuizoo”byCole Campleseis licensed underCC BY 2.0
Sometimes, the first option seems the most palatable. Long Island is the biggest suburb in the world, stuffing over 7.5 million people into this thin strip of heaven (Long Island is only 23 miles wide at its thickest point). So let's do the math: 23 miles wide...an island, so there's nowhere to expand...carry the two. It's freaking crowded. Everyone has rules as to when to leave, to avoid the highway crunch, but when you add them all up...on second thought, just stay inside your house.
“Pizza”byMichael Pedersenis licensed underCC BY 2.0
Whatsamatta with you, eh? Regardless of their heritage, any true Long Islander can pull out their New York Italian accent on command. Put a slice of pizza or some fresh mozzarella on their plate, and you'll feel like you're in 1920s Brooklyn, sans prohibition.
"Nice to meet you. Where are you from?"
"New York."
"City?"
(Short pause.) "Um, Long Island."
Every Long Islander envisions themselves a true New Yorker, even though it's their parents who are from the city. But anyone from north of NYC? Don't you dare refer to yourself as being from New York. You are from Upstate, and if you say otherwise we're gonna have a problem.
And guess what? They're always pretty damn good. You take your best deli, Chinese food, or pizza place from any state outside of NY, NJ, and CT, and pit it against any deli, Chinese, or pizza place from any random shopping center on Long Island. And guess what? Long Island will win.
Oh that's funny, because their names are the New York Giants and the New York Jets. Have I been to their stadium? Sure. Did I have to cross the George Washington Bridge to get there? Yep. So where is it? New York.
Oh, Long Islanders claim to know all the city hotspots, but the second they jump on the Long Island Railroad and head into the city that never sleeps, they turn into a wide-eyed teenager hitting the big city for the first time.
Wait, so you're saying there is edible food and alcohol in other parts of the country, but without the traffic? And girls can be naturally blonde? Sign me up! And conversely, if Long Islanders don't go away to college, they never, ever leave. Until social security hits and they head to Florida.
In most parts of the country when you hit 18, you buy a lottery ticket, some NSFW material, and if you're dumb enough, some cigarettes. In Long Island, you hit the club, and you don't stop until marriage. Here's a quick survival guide for success at any LI club:
Men: Your choice of drink is either Miller Lite or Bud Light. Find any girl who is dancing, walk up behind her and shove your crotch into her backside. If she keeps dancing, your night is a success. If she stops or moves away, look for long hair and repeat until you pass out.
Women: Your choice of drink is either Miller Lite or Bud Light. Dance in a circle with your girlfriends, and when you feel a crotch make contact, look at your girlfriend's face to see if he's attractive or not. She will determine whether you need to detach from this stranger in a cloud of cologne, or marry him. Have an exit strategy.
I grew up in Long Island. The traffic is dreadful. I always tell people I'm from New York, and avoid the follow-up question. I miss the omnipresence of pizza, Chinese food, bagels, and delis. The Giants (and Jets) don't play in New Jersey-end of discussion. I always went to Carmine's before Broadway shows. I went away to college and now live in the South. My eardrums bled at my first club trip in March of 2003. And not only did I go to over 70 Sweet 16s, I met my wife at one. I can write whatever I want because I grew up in Lawn-Guy-Land (phonetic pronunciation), but for those of you in the comments section, show your LI allegiance, or watch your back because this guy is coming for you.
