1. This Isn’t Texas
Well, it is. But it isn’t. You know? …You’ll figure it out.
2. Austin Is The Coolest City You’ve Heard Of A Million Times Now
Austin used to basically be the best-kept-secret of the country. Those were the days, weren’t they?
3. That’s Why It’s Nothing Personal
But basically everyone you meet here will welcome you with open arms… Shortly before telling you to go back home. It’s nothing personal. It’s just a little, what’s the word? Crowded? Expensive? Frustrating? All of the above.
4. What’s So Cool About Being Weird?
Many cities try to capture the weirdness of Austin, but all fall short. Keep Austin Weird is more than just a funny quip, it’s a movement to preserve the offbeat and rich culture of the city that continues to get edged out by gentrification.
5. Believe The Live Music Hype
Austin has long-since been nicknamed the Live Music Capital of the World. It’s not just talk. You can catch a live band performing any (yes, any) night of the week here. And it’s good music, too.
6. SXSW Is Better Than Christmas
There’s no way you haven’t heard about SXSW by now, right? Of course you have. If you haven’t, then it’s probably because the rock you’ve been living under gets such horrible wifi. No article you read can do it justice, though. It’s something that you need to experience for yourself. Truly… And then go home.
7. Wateringholes Aren’t Bars
If it’s hot out and you can’t find your friends anywhere, it’s because they went to a watering hole without you. Hamilton Pool, Hippie Hollow, Barton Springs, Deep Eddy Pool… Take your majestic pick.
8. You’ll Be Judged By Where You Live
Your neighborhood in Austin will say more about you than the clothes you wear or the music you listen to, which is unfortunate since these days, you pretty much have to pick wherever you can afford to go. But, such is life in Austin.
9. Go To The Kerbey Lane ON Kerbey Lane
You don’t know brunch until you’ve brunched at Austin’s hot spot: Kerbey Lane. Cinnamon roll pancakes, s’mores pancakes, birthday cake pancakes… Okay, I swear there’s more here than just pancakes, but they’re that mesmerizing. Go to the one on Kerbey Lane, though, which is the original and is far superior than all of the others that have popped up around the city. And tell them I sent you. That won’t mean anything at all, I just wanted to say that.
10. Brunch Also Might Include A DJ
Brunch is a pretty big deal here. But it’s not just for the cinnamon roll pancakes. Places like Searsucker’s and TnT Tacos and Tequila frequently have DJs spinning some characteristically cooler-than-you music during everybody’s favorite meal because why not?
11. The Correct Answer To “Are You Ready For Some Football?” Is...
“Of course.” But if you’re not rooting for the Longhorns, you’re probably going to be told to go home.
12. It’s Also Always Taco Tuesday
Tacos are a religion here in Austin. Why other cities only reserve taco night for one night out of the week is beyond anyone here in Austin. Every day is a day fit for a taco – breakfast, lunch, or dinner. And the best way to get them is stacked at Torchy’s.
13. Number Of Hipsters > Number Of Cowboys
Like I said, this isn’t Texas. If you’re not down with hipsters, then you’re not going to like Austin very much unless you’re planning on ignoring everyone and just drowning yourself in the awesome food, which is totally doable.
14. But Not Everybody Is A Hipster
The hipster rumors of the city are completely true. They’re a dime a dozen. But that doesn’t mean everyone who lives here is a hipster. Head up to North Austin and you’ll see for yourself.
15. Austinites Love Dogs
Feel free to bring your dog with you because Austinites will be nicer to them than they are to you. No offense, or anything. This is just a city made for dogs, mainly the rescue variety. The scruffier, the better.
16. To The Bat Bridge!
Do you want to know what 1.5 million bats look like flying through the sky at once? Then get yourself to the Congress Bridge in Austin at dusk. It sounds a little creepy at first but trust me, it’s a sight you have to see.
17. Don’t Call It A Kumback
Wait, scratch that. If you’re looking for the best burger in town, definitely do call it a Kumback. Head over to Dirty Martin’s Kumback Place and grab yourself a perfectly greasy burger from the walk-up window of this no-frills joint. And yes, you will come back.
18. The Joys Of Frito Pie
You like Fritos? You like pie? BOOM! Austin’s got your Frito Pie right here. The best one is found at Texas Chili Parlor. Okay, it’s not really a pie, but it’s awesome. So, close enough.
19. It’s Not As Liberal As You Might Think
Yes, Austin is a pretty liberal city, especially when you compare it to other Texas cities. But consider Austin a liberal piece of pasta in an otherwise conservative soup. The surrounding areas are still pretty conservative and there hasn’t been a liberal governor in Texas since before Who’s The Boss went off the air. Holy Danza.
20. You’ll Probably Need A Second Job
Well, you might not need two jobs, but a lot of people here have them. The second jobs tend to be more along the side-business-from-your-garage variety. Like putting chalkboard paint and twine on things or making organic soap and selling it on Etsy—the jobs that feed the soul but can’t come close to paying the bills on their own. Those kind.
21. Everyone Wonders When They’re Making Austinlandia
If you’ve ever seen Portlandia, then you’ve seen a pretty good chunk of Austin, too. We’re talking chicken coops in everyone’s backyards, lots of dreadlocks, and eleven stores peddling crystals tinted to the color of your aura on the same block. The idea of an Austinlandia sounded fun a few years ago for about three seconds. Now it feels like an inevitable nightmare.
22. Ugly Sweater Parties Are So Last Year
In Austin, what you should be ready for is one bizarrely themed party after another. Ugly sweater parties? Please, they’re so over. I can tell you more about at the next Saved By The Bell themed party. I call dibs on Jessi Spanno… “I’m so excited!”
23. Get Your Margaritas From Polvo’s
Being in Texas means you go where the tequila is. For the best margarita in the city, walk yourself on over to Polvo’s. Notice I said walk because there will be no driving after.
24. Don’t Worry, You Can Still Two-Step
This place isn’t too hipsterish to snub a good two-step bar. Ten minutes outside of Austin is The Broken Spoke. It’s a little rough around the edges and, yes, filled mostly with an older crowd dancing their hearts out in giant cowboy hats, but it always makes for a fun night out with friends.
25. Where To Find The Gift For Someone Who Has Everything
If you’re the World’s Worst Gift Giver like I am, don’t worry. Uncommon OBJECTS in Austin is the answer to all of your gift-giving problems. Who wouldn’t want a vintage Charlie Chaplin puppet…or a box full of antique photos of strangers…or a taxidermied skunk…
26. You Think You Know Fireworks?
If you haven’t seen the fireworks over Lady Bird Lake from inside a tiny boat, then you know nothing of the sort!
27. Where To Find The Barbecue
It wouldn’t be a proper Texas city without some mind-blowing barbecue. It’s a toss up in Austin between Franklin’s and Ruby’s. Austinites will argue to the death over where has the best, but all I’m going to say is that Ruby’s hot sausage with a side of poppy seed coleslaw might change your life just a little bit.
28. If You’re Bored, You Are Definitely Not Even Trying
The fun really never stops here. Suit up for a a game of Blazer Tag, chill in a tube while floating down the lazy river with friends at Rock n’ River, channel your inner Mario while go-kart racing, go mini-golfing with Peter Pan, dare to ride down a zipline, or pick one of the many old skool games to be found at Pinballz arcade. And that’s just a Saturday.
29. Where Does He Get Those Wonderful Toys?
Definitely not from some lame toy chain. The people in Austin go to Toy Joy, the best toy store in all the land!
30. On Whether Or Not Austin Has Jumped The Shark
Yes, Austin has gotten crowded and rent rates keep climbing and condos keep going up everywhere. It leads a lot of people to imply that Austin has peaked. But it’s still Austin, one of the most unique cities in the country.
31. Forget Everything You Just Read And Stay Where You Are
The cat’s been out of the bag for a while now, but, still. Let’s just forget this ever happened. You never read this list. It’s all just been some dream filled with lots of music and awesome food in an ethereal place where legends of Matthew McConaughey playing the bongos naked will live on until the end of time.
What have you had to explain to out-of-towners about Austin? Tell us in the comments below!
