1. Splashing Down To Beat The Heat
It’s no secret that the state of Arizona has faced its fair share of water woes over the years, but that’s never stopped any Phoenician from getting all wet. Summers in the Valley boast the opening of a number of local water parks, including local favorite Wet ‘n’ Wild Phoenix.
2. Dispensing With Talk About Suburbs
Any newcomer to the Phoenix Metropolitan area learns quickly that most residents of Central Arizona do not live in Phoenix-proper, but rather in one of its many, many suburbs, like Scottsdale, Mesa, Tempe, Ahwatukee, Peoria, and on and on.
When someone from out of state asks a Phoenician where they live, they’ll often start by giving the name of their suburb, then quickly adding “basically Phoenix” with a shrug.
3. Moving Their Bodies And Keepin’ Fit
If there’s one thing that Phoenicians understand collectively, it’s how to stay fit—no wonder Chris Powell from ABC’s Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition calls Phoenix home.
There are countless clubs and events all over town to help keep you toned, the most popular of which (the Arizona Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon) twists the marathon mile-marker into a mini rock concert to help keep racers motivated.
4. Pink Underwear And Green Bologna
No doubt that this particular selection will rule the unruly comments section, but the fact remains that Sheriff Joe Arpaio has held his elected position uninterrupted since 1992.
His tenure as head of law enforcement for Maricopa County has been pock-marked consistently by controversy and pundits and comedians everywhere have riffed on his pink-undies-for-prisoners and tent city jail campaigns, among others. Those that don’t love the guy love to hate him.
5. Giant Flying Neon Jellyfish
Janet Echelman's $2.4 Million structure of netting and lights is equal parts breathtaking and bewildering. Since 2009, the giant installation titled “Her Secret is Patience” has given a unique bio-futuristic feel to the downtown skyline.
6. Road Trippin’
About six hours from the California coast, five hours’ from Las Vegas, four hours from Rocky Point and two hours from the spectacular red rocks of Sedona, Phoenicians know how to get in the car and go!
Most of us will even make the 12 hour drive to Colorado just to skip on the airport parking/bag checking hassle.
7. Being Cooked Alive On The Salt River
It’s one of those things that always seems like a good idea until the next day, but a float down the Salt River is a must at least once for any Central AZ local.
The water isn’t the cleanest and you may see more than just soaking-wet, swollen marshmallows floating by your inner tube (a Salt River tradition, for some strange reason) but the full-body sunburn and hangover that come as part of the package are rights-of-passage for Valley residents.
8. Bad Sports Teams
Okay, so we have a World Series Title from the Diamondbacks’ 2001 season and granted that the Suns, Coyotes, Cardinals and Sun Devils football program have all gotten pretty far in their respective tournaments or playoffs or bowls or whatever.
But there is this curse whereby Arizona teams will get really, unbearably painfully close to a championship one year and then totally implode the very next season. Basically, being an Arizona sports fan may take years off of your life, so if you have team loyalty to absolutely anyone else, you may just be better off to stick with ‘em.
9. Any Excuse To Lay By The Pool
Seen from above, Phoenix backyards are about as often with-pool as without. That’s because when it’s 100-plus degrees outside, there is no better place to be than underwater. We’ve even taken to installing them at posh bars, such as the always-popping May Day + Nightclub.
10. Buildings That’ll Bend Your Mind Like A Contortionist
Frank Lloyd Wright spent many years teaching students at Scottsdale’s Taliesin West (at the end of Frank Lloyd Wright Boulevard, of course). Paolo Soleri, one such student of Wright’s, went on to build Cosanti in Scottsdale as well as the futuristic city, Arcosanti, about an hour to the north.
Looking for something a little more modern? Check out James Turrell’s Skyspace known as “Air Apparent” on the ASU campus, which he dubbed a “spa for consciousness.”
11. Traveling At The Speed Of Light Without Pants
Before the first twenty miles of Phoenix’s Metro Light Rail were made operational in 2008 the only other option for public transportation was the city bus. Today roughly 40,000 people ride the ‘rail every day, and once a year a few hundred do it without pants on. Because why not?
12. REAL Mexican Food
Phoenicians know that the quality of Mexican food in general tends to drop off as you travel north and east.
So after a long trip away from their desert homes, Valley locals will often find themselves looking for something with a little kick as soon they touch down at Sky Harbor International Airport.
13. Gadgets And Gizmos A-Plenty
With tech leaders like Avnet Inc., Insight Enterprises, GoDaddy and even TASER International (yes, those are the guys that make the stun guns) headquartered in the Phoenix area, it’s no wonder we made the list of Forbes Top 100 Best Places for Businesses and Careers (#64).
Just make sure to watch your back when the machines finally takeover.
14. (Briefly) Visiting The Snow
Let’s face it; snow is a commodity in the desert. No, literally—people actually sell the stuff here. That’s why each winter many Phoenicians skip town in favor of ski havens in Colorado, Nevada and even northern Arizona.
After a few days of freezing their thin-blooded buns off, though, most of us are happy to return to the land of unsalted sidewalks and cars that don’t need to be warmed up for an hour before they can be driven.
15. The Quiet Only Found On Top Of A Mountain
With 4.5 million people, in Phoenix it can sometimes be hard to find time for yourself. A quick hike up one of the area’s many mountains will put the bulk of the population and all of their cars, cell phones, tablets and whatever else a couple thousand feet below you.
Ah, sweet solitude.
16. Getting A Brain Freeze
Maybe the headaches aren’t necessarily the reason for this statistic, but still the Valley of the Sun consumes about $75 million worth of ice cream every year. And no wonder—it gets freakin’ hot here! Perhaps that’s why America’s favorite ice creamery, Cold Stone, has its roots and headquarters here.
If you want to try something a little more local, check out Sweet Republic. Their Toffee Banofi is to die for.
17. Looking Fly
Scottsdale is known for world-class shopping, and it’s no surprise. For decades celebrities from Bing Crosby and Zsa Zsa Gabor to Bey and Jay have been spotted taking in the paparazzi-free air and blowing Benjamins at designer hotspots like the Valley Ho Hotel, the Sanctuary on Camelback and Scottsdale Fashion Square.
18. Beating The University Of Arizona At Anything
Put your pitchforks in the air anytime your friends in red and gold have to face their Southern Arizona rivals. Considered a “football school” for many years, the ASU basketball team now has tournament experience and it’s got Wildcat fans everywhere shaking.
Get ready to ring that Victory Bell, Devils!
19. Smog-Free Lungs
Since the Valley is basically a giant land-bowl surrounded by mountains, air quality in the Phoenix area can be a bit of a problem.
No-burn days will come around as a result of this a few times each winter, which means you may have to run that burning-log-channel while opening gifts during the holidays instead of sitting by the real thing. Sorry.
20. Shopping Under The Sun
Yeah, we have regular malls with roofs on them, too, but a shopping day in Phoenix or Scottsdale wouldn’t be complete without a visit to at least one high-end open-air shopping complex like Desert Ridge, Kierland Commons or Biltmore Fashion Park.
When you see upwards of 330 days of sunshine each year who needs cover?
21. Driving On Freeways Like They Own Them
The speed limits in Phoenix are always ten miles-per-hour higher than posted—that’s common knowledge. How to zig and zag between the cars of slow-moving snowbirds? That’s something you have to learn on your own.
22. Seeking Shelter From The Angry Sun
Open air malls, patio dining, outdoor concerts—all of these things involve a certain amount of suffering in the Sonoran Desert summers.
Sometimes you just need to hide from the heat, and so browsing for items you’ll never actually buy in air conditioned retail store becomes a serious survival tactic for about four months a year out here.
23. Grass They Don’t Have To Cut Themselves
With more than 200 unique courses, including the site of the PGA Waste Management Phoenix Open (yes, that unfortunate title is accurate) in TPC Scottsdale, there is no shortage in the area when it comes to opportunities for golf. Slacks and cleats are basically standard in every closet under the Valley sun.
24. Complaining About The Heat
Look, when it’s pushing 120 outside there’s not much else your brain can do but talk about it. And sweat. Brain sweat. Ow.
25. Tourists Who Take Pictures With Saguaros
Yeah, they’re pretty cool. We know. And if we weren’t born here, we probably would do it too at some point. But don’t stop traffic so you can pose with a giant cactus, please. They are literally everywhere.
26. Correcting People Who Mispronounce Spanish Words
Aye, dios mio! It’s tor-tee-yuh, not a tor-til-la. And that freaky orange and black lizard is a hee-luh monster, not gee-luh. We’ll fill you on the street names as we go.
27. Our Presidential Runners-Up
We named a terminal in the airport after five-term senator and 1964 Republican presidential nominee Barry Goldwater and 2008 nominee John McCain has been holding his senate seat down for more than a quarter of a century.
Wonder what we’ll name after him. Maverick Loop Freeway’s got a nice ring to it…
28. Luxury Anything
The richest of the rich hailing from North “Snottsdale” can get a collector car at the world-renowned Barrett-Jackson Auction and rub elbows with the likes of Jay Leno, Gene Simmons and Simon Cowell, then hop inside and cruise over to some mega-high-end shopping at designer stores boasting names like Prada, Michael Kors and Cartier.
When it’s all done, how about a night at the Princess, complete with an in-room massage and gourmet room service? Price tag too high? All that lux also equates to plenty of service jobs.
29. A Day Out On A Man-Made Lake
Watersports were once hard to come by in the middle of the desert. That is, until we started making lakes. Roosevelt Lake, Lake Pleasant, Apache Lake, Canyon Lake, Saguaro Lake—all of them are just a puddle jump (or a couple hours’ drive) away from downtown Phoenix.
For that reason, it’s not even strange to see a pristine speed boat parked in front of a Phoenix home, though it’s always guaranteed to turn a few tourists’ heads.
30. Aloe. Frickin’. Vera
Lakes. Golf. Tubing. Open-air shopping. Pools. The common thread between all of this? Sunshine! And enough of it can hurt. BAD! Any full day in the Phoenix sun without a gallon of sunscreen results in (ideally) a week-long bath in this sticky green substance.
