Most people don’t give Minnesota the time of day. Unless of course, it’s for a Fargo joke, giving any outsider an excuse to embarrass themselves with a butchered attempt at an overly flamboyant Minnesota accent. Yeah, everyone in St. Paul has heard it before. They didn’t laugh the first time and they’re still not laughing. Most of the people in St. Paul don’t even have the Minnesota accent. And for those who do, it’s pretty mild. So now that we’re settled on that, pack the Fargo accent up and send it off to the land of OJ Simpson jokes and the rest of the jokes people stopped telling in the 1990s.
You have to have a thick skin here in St. Paul, and I don't just mean taking all those Fargo jokes. The winters are brutally cold and long, and no one feels like going into complete hibernation so they’ve learned how to make the best of it. Locals come out in the coldest of the cold for outdoor ice skating, the Red Bull Crashed Ice event, the famous Saint Paul Winter Carnival full of beloved ice sculptures, and the annual Securian Run in frigid January. When the weather finally does break, look out. The Grand Old Day festival kicks off summer and brings every single person in the city out, young and old, to celebrate on the streets that end up so packed, you can barely walk. They’re good with winter and don’t complain much, but they hang onto every last second of summer while they’ve got it.
People in St. Paul know that tater tots are easily the most underrated food of all time. They’re not only easy, but also delicious. It’s a French fry in a cube. What’s not to love? And Tater Tots are often used to make the signature St. Paul culinary masterpiece: Hotdish. Basically, hotdish is a baked casserole of meat, canned vegetables, cooked in cream of mushroom soup, topped with tots. And anyone who tops it with potatoes is making it wrong because it’s the tots that really win it. People in St. Paul love tater tots so much, they’ll even make a special trip into their alter ego Twin City to visit the specialty tater tot food truck.
Food on a stick isn’t just reserved for corndogs in St. Paul. Anyone in the city will tell you that if it’s not a tater tot and it’s not on a stick, then it’s probably not worth eating in the first place. There’s really nothing that can’t be put on a stick and deep fried if you really think about it, and it’s all been tried here. Oreos? Of course. Macaroni and cheese on a stick? Been there. Deep fried olives on a stick? Done that. They even figured out how to get hot dish deep fried on a stick. It’s a talent, really.
The people in St. Paul know how to throw a veiled compliment or a sarcastic remark better than Mike Tyson handed out KOs. You have to know how to navigate a conversation here, otherwise you’ll be wondering why everyone is laughing despite saying “Don’t worry, even though you spilled coffee on your pants it totally doesn’t look like you peed yourself.” Trust me, it looks like you peed yourself. Here’s a quick pocket guide to help you avoid a future translation faux-pas: That’s interesting! = That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. Oh, well, how about that! = That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. You look healthy! = You’ve definitely packed on a few pounds. That’s different! = I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns. Why don't they just come out and say it? Because they don’t know how to be mean to anyone’s face. They’re “Minnesota Nice,” dontcha’ know?
But it’s not because they’re awkward, they just really, really don’t want to hug you. And they definitely don’t want to cheek-kiss you. Don’t take offense—it’s not you, it’s them. Hugs and kisses are reserved for family, and a handshake is more than sufficient for everyone else. There’s no need to get so emotional and touchy-feely during every single “hello” and “goodbye.” It’s something that's given the people in St. Paul a reputation for being as cold as their weather. Newcomers often say that people in St. Paul are hard to get to know, but that’s not true at all. They just take a little coaxing and convincing before they put in their circle of trust. But once you’re in, you’re in for life. Just no hugging.
Think of the most lost you’ve ever been and now triple it. Now you’re in St. Paul. The streets from the navigating to the numbering system make very little sense. And it’s not just the newcomers who think so, even the natives agree. The Mississippi divides St. Paul from Minneapolis in a winding S-shaped path. The “West Side” of St. Paul is actually south of center city geographically, but it’s west of the river. If you’re confused, you’re in good company. Even the sections of the city that do follow a grid are confusing, because the numbering system can end and start in the middle of a block. So 900 Summit Avenue can fall next to 898, but the corner of the next block might find you at 1200. If you ask for directions how to get somewhere in or out of the city, the locals will probably tell you to use a GPS.
When you’re the one in need of merging, the general rule of driving etiquette in St. Paul is to fly down the ramp and expect the cars already in the lane you need to get in to make way. When you’re the one who sees someone about to merge into your lane, the general rule of driving etiquette is to hit the gas and make sure that you beat them out and keep your space no matter what it takes. See the problem? Out-of-towners have a hard time driving in St. Paul, it’s true, but natives pride themselves on being the most seasoned drivers around, and can get anywhere within 10 minutes (even if it’s actually 25 minutes away) in a foot of snow while dodging potholes like they’re landmines. Forget New York. If you can drive in St. Paul, then you can drive anywhere.
For a reason that the people in St. Paul still can’t understand, liquor stores are closed on Sundays. Even though the whole state is pretty progressive, you still can’t buy booze on the Sabbath and it drives most of the people here crazy. The good news is that bars can still serve alcohol on Sundays. And Wisconsin, where the silly law doesn’t apply, is just a short drive away. So if it’s a Sunday and you’re watching a Vikings or Twins game and realize that you completely forgot to stock up on beer, the local sports bar or Wisconsin is probably where you’ll end up.
The people of St. Paul have an uphill battle when it comes to getting noticed. They’re already competing with Minneapolis for the spotlight. But beyond state borders, they know the rest of the country doesn’t pay much attention to either Twin City, and it drives them crazy. Despite pouring their efforts into revitalizing the city, building a vibrant arts scene, and creating a community full of events unique to them, St. Paul still isn’t what most people think of when they’re planning a vacation. But the good people of St. Paul still love their city despite the sarcasm, weird street layout and Grand Theft Auto drivers. They’ll brag about their hometown anywhere and everywhere they get the chance. Eventually it’ll pay off.
