1. Rain Might As Well Be Made Of Gold To Phoenicians
With 211 days of predictable sunshine each year and something like 69 days when mysterious droplets of water falling from the heavens, Phoenicians regard rain the way other people see rare comet sightings.
The second it so much as drizzles, they'll drop everything they're doing and run outside (sometimes without a stitch of clothing on) like the house is on fire. It's a rare opportunity for release for these people.
2. But When It Rains, Phoenix Turns Into "The Fast and the Furious"
The occasional rainstorm may fascinate these people, but it also has another less...charming effect. Phoenicians are blissfully ignorant of the fact that their best course of action in bad weather is to stay far, far away from their automobiles at all costs until the roads are dry again.
Drivers in
Phoenix absolutely lose their minds when it rains-as well as the ability to distinguish between the brake pad and accelerator. They drive an average of about three miles an hour everywhere, and the highways become ground zero for catastrophic crashes. It's the closest thing to pandemonium you'll get in Phoenix.
And speaking of crazy driving habits...
3. Phoenicians Always Park In The Shade, No Matter How Far They Have To Walk
It doesn't matter if it's so hot outside you could literally fry an egg on the pavement.
If a Phoenician is lucky enough to nab a parking space under anything that could protect their car from the evil rays of the sun that turn the interior into a scene from the end of "Dante's Peak," they take it. Even if that space is located miles from their actual destination.
4. Every Girl In Phoenix Can Fill In For An ASU Cheerleader
Okay, so this can't be backed up with scientific data, but there's a really good chance that something like 98 percent of Phoenician girls could drop everything and perform a flawless back flip if, God forbid, something happened to an ASU cheerleader that required a replacement for a big game.
No other city boasts as many girls who have all had extensive gymnastics and dance training, know how to do things with pom-poms you've never heard of, and are able to fit into pleated micro miniskirts designed for dolls. And once they've grown out of those cheerleader outfits...
5. Instead Of Doing Lunch, All The Women In Phoenix Do Plastic Surgery
What passes in Phoenix as "chubby" probably wouldn't cause people in other cities to bat an eyelash. You can't help but notice everyone in the city is fit, smooth, and looks about 18.
But that's just biologically impossible, isn't it? You're right on the money. All (or at least most) of that Phoenix perfection is a bunch of lies. For every 100,000 hot people wanting to be even hotter, there are about 13 plastic surgeons standing by to make their shallow dreams come true.
Now, that doesn't mean these people starve themselves-in fact...
6. Everyone In Phoenix Has Memorized At Least 100 Mexican Recipes
You may think you like Mexican food, but your love of tacos and Chimichangas doesn't hold a candle to a Phoenician's absolute obsession with any and all foods involving jalapenos.
If you visit a Phoenician's home for dinner you may not be treated to a traditional meal of chicken and potatoes-but what dinner guest on earth would choose a roast over rajas con crema? And it'll be delicious, guaranteed.
And Phoenicians earn that food every day, since...
7. After Scorpions, Phoenicians Scoff At Other "Scary" Animals
One of the great things about routinely finding deadly scorpions just kicking it by your kids' playground equipment is that you become immune to the dangers of any and all other insects and animals.
Black widows? Adorable. Rattlesnakes? That rattle is kind of soothing, don't you think?
Make no mistake: Phoenix is home to some of the scariest creatures on the planet and anyone who isn't a born and bred Phoenician will need to hire a therapist to get over the anxiety of constantly being on defense. But your typical native Phoenician has been so broken down by the most frightening beast of all, the scorpion, that they don't even feel fear anymore. Almost.
But not all the fauna in Phoenix is deadly, considering...
8. Phoenicians Are Obsessed With Roadrunners
And even more with taking a shot at them. No, not that kind of shot! I mean a snapshot.
The beloved roadrunner of cartoon legends isn't even the official state bird of
Arizona. That title goes to the Cactus Wren. But Phoenicians don't really care, they think that roadrunners are way cooler. Besides, when was the last time a cactus wren outsmarted Wile E. Coyote?
Anyway, the good people of Phoenix will desperately try to capture the elusive roadrunner on camera whenever they travel beyond city limits. You'd think the birds would be easier to find, considering they have a renegade habit of chasing after moving vehicles. But the little buggers are pretty fast too, and so they've become the white whale to the collective Phoenicians' Ahab.
9. Phoenicians Take Their "Walking Dead" Enthusiasm To A Whole New Level
Around Halloween, downtown Phoenix becomes the setting for one of the largest zombie walks in the nation. Phoenicians young and old throw white makeup on their faces and hit the streets seeking brain food-or, you know, really killer sangria and burritos they can grab along the route.
Interest in the walk has exploded since it started five years ago, and thousands of people took part this year. Some revelers plan their costumes months in advance, and others even donate canned food items to St. Mary's Food Bank in exchange for a full zombie makeover. They've got the zombie fever here, and it doesn't look like it's going away anytime soon.
And this isn't the only thing that annoying new kid from Phoenix in your math class will brag to you about, since...
10. Phoenix Kids Are Cooler Without Even Trying
Phoenix offers about a gazillion activities for kids-many of which are free. Arizona parents are notoriously laidback, and perhaps inspired by so many wide open spaces, aren't afraid to let their kids run around with minimal supervision.
At any given time of year you'll spot kids fishing at Alvord Lake like it's the 1950s, hiking at Papago Park, bonding with animals at the zoo, or soaking up culture at one of the city's many museums. It doesn't hurt that the constant sun is means families can actually make and keep plans to attend outdoor events.
Let's just say you won't find many kids locked away inside playing video games in Phoenix.
