These folks read some of
Missouri’s weirdest, awkwardest, and most hilarious personal ads, and let’s just say it adds a whole new layer of meaning to “The Show-Me State.” Prepare to get personal with your funny bone.
Video Transcript:
Sam: Thin, leathery thighs.
We're going to get into some dangerous adult territory here.
Willie: These are all good. Horse saleswoman, I want to be your mare.
Sam: I believe your name was Brenda. I wanted a steed, and you sold me a mare.
Willie: I wanted a steed and you sold me a mare and maybe a mate for my soul.
Adam: If you would be the one for me, Brenda, with the golden lasso upon your scalp.
Willie: And rhinestone chap upon your thin, leathery thighs.
Alison: Oh my gosh!
Willie: Oh, but here's the kicker.
Adam: I was the guy with all the boils on his face.
Maggie: Brenda, you got to get out of Missouri.
Sam: The saddest thing was ...
Maggie: You're not safe there, girl. You're in danger.
Willie: Men of Missouri, they're heads of women, don't describe their scalp.
Adam: Can we just have a moment of silence right now? I think that would probably be the best action.
Willie: Never, and I mean never, describe anyone's thighs as leathery. It's just not nice.
Maggie: This guy needs to learn how to sell himself.
Alison: He's just helping a brother out.
Willie: He's helping a brother out, a Missouri bro.
Manny : Bearded man at Walmart.
Adam: I love the title already!
Alison: You were checking out around 6 PM Sunday evening.
Sam: I noticed you staring at my little girls and I as we walked by.
Adam: This is awkward.
Manny : You may have noticed me staring back.
Adam: Okay, it's got better.
Sam: You were very attractive and I'm just curious why you kept looking at us?
Willie: There are more red flags in here than a flag football game.
Manny : This girl needs a hug. She obviously doesn't have very much self-confidence in herself, because she didn't understand why a good-looking man was looking at her.
Willie: There is no distinguishment if bearded man was staring equally at her or her kids.
Sam: Can you have a missed connection for somebody that you want to incriminate?
Alison: We don't know this bearded man's thought process. He could have just been like, "Hey, I have that sweater."
Willie: Okay, so now the bearded man is wearing the same sweater as a 2-year-old girl.
Adam: He probably just wanted to help her carry her grocery bags.
Manny : Yeah that's it because he's ...
Adam: Because he's a very nice gentleman. They probably looked heavy.
Manny : There were still shopping.
Willie: Karen from Urology Specialists.
Adam: I had an appointment on Monday, you remembered me.
Willie: I think you're hot.
Sam: Would enjoy getting to know you.
Willie: You made my next appointment, tell the time and date of my next visit.
Sam: 8 PM, Saturday night, inside your house.
Willie: If it was your doctor, like, she's seen so many (beep)s that day, do you really think your (beep) like stands out among all the (beep)s she's seen?
Sam: The amazing thing about Karen from Urology Specialists is that she has these cards that have their ...
Maggie: Access to identity.
Willie: Like I don't think you're going to impress a urologist.
Alison: I can't hear that word any more.
Sam: It is the best way to a man's heart is to do some basic bureaucratic business for him.
Willie: I'm just saying, if you're like trying to impress a penis doctor, like that takes some balls. That's all I'm trying to say.
Sam: Can you say that again?
Maggie: The way to a man's heart is through his urethra.
Manny : I sit near you in church.
Adam: Oh God, this is going to be good.
Alison: I'm not saying which church, just we [inaudible 00:03:39].
Maggie: I wish you'd sit even closer, but my wife ...
Willie: These people find chicks in the weirdest places.
Maggie: This just got good. My wife probably wouldn't like it. Oh, I don't think she would, buddy.
Manny : I already have a hard time keeping my eyes off of you already.
Maggie: And I'm pretty sure it could be worse if we actually sat in the same row.
Willie: I just have a picture of everyone in church is sitting, and this one dude, instead of looking forward is just like ... all service long.
Maggie: Sometimes I think you can tell I wouldn't mind us being more than just church friends.
Alison: But I am never going to come out and say it. Uh, well ...
Willie: You just did.
Maggie: But I still wonder if you ever get the same urges and feelings.
Willie: Do you ever get the urge to just sit in a different pew?
Sam: I have an urge. I cannot be requite. I want to sit near you.
Willie: I'm not going to lie. I pulled that stunt in middle school. I try to ... so I was like holding the girls hands during prayers, whatever works. Didn't work.
Sam: This guy isn't even going to go the extra mile. He just wants her to sit closer to him.
Maggie: You know why he's not going the extra mile? Because the road block of his wife. He's sitting in the middle.
Willie: I mean, if your wife already probably doesn't like it, this whole thing is probably going to go south.
Alison: There's absolutely no way that I can see this ever going south.
Adam: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is Missouri's missed connections. And we're out.
Manny : Boom.
