1. Michigan Wins More Championships With One Major City Than Ohio Does With Three
In the last 30 years, Detroit’s four major professional sports teams have won a combined eight championships. During the very same span, Ohio’s six major professional teams, spread over three cities, have won a combined… one.
To make things worse for Ohioans, they have not only had to get used to losing games, but also to losing star players and teams. Both Oscar Robertson and Lebron James won championships almost immediately after leaving their Ohio franchises, the Cleveland Barons and Cincinnati Royals both split for greener pastures, and the original Cleveland Browns have won two Super Bowl Championships since departing for Baltimore and becoming the Ravens.
Just more proof that the only way to improve something from Ohio is to take it out of Ohio.
2. Michigan Is Shaped Like A Mitten And A Bunny; Ohio Is Shaped Like A Toilet Bowl
Michigan is one of the few U.S. states that is easily identifiable from space since the Great Lakes highlight its majestic mitten shape. In the meantime, Ohio is indistinguishable from the rest of the shapeless landmass that Michigan sits upon.
Furthermore, when you actually draw in the boundary lines, the Upper Peninsula of Michigan takes on the clear form of a bunny, while Ohio resembles more of a toilet bowl… with Michigan hovering right over the lid.
3. Michigan’s State Flag Is A Classic Corporate Design; Ohio’s Is A Silly Pennant
While all Michiganders have seen the familiar moose, elk and eagle emblem of the Michigan flag, surprisingly few realize that it’s actually based on the logo of The Hudson’s Bay Company—the oldest commercial corporation in North America. Pretty cool, huh?
In the meantime, Ohio doesn’t even know how to piece together a proper flag. I’ll prove it.
Rather than having a rectangular flag like every other state, Ohio thinks it’s acceptable to be represented by a pennant with a diagonal chunk missing from it for some reason. Then again, it makes sense on some level; Ohio’s flag isn’t much of a flag because Ohio isn’t much of a state. At the same time, it’s interesting to note that each of the stripes on the Ohio flag actually represents a Midwestern state, and one of those stripes represents Michigan.
It sounds to me like even as early as 1902, the flag’s designer knew Ohio couldn’t stand on its own and needed to be buttressed by all of the real states in the region.
4. Michigan Creates Culinary Classics; Ohio Destroys Them
Contrary to what you might have been told, the Coney Dog originated in Michigan, and “Coney” is only a reference to where the original physical hot dogs came from before the additional accoutrements—chili, onions and mustard—were added on to make them awesome.
These days everyone loves Coney Dogs and knows where they originated, but far fewer people know about Ohio’s culinary claim to fame—Cincinnati Chili—and that’s because it’s not very good. It’s basically spaghetti noodles with an all-meat chili sauce topped with a mountain of cheddar cheese. I’m no expert on food, but in my opinion, spaghetti is great and chili is great, but if you mix them together you ruin them both.
So, in essence, the way Ohio gets attention in the food world is by ruining food.
5. Michigan’s Schools Give You Twice The Education Of Ohio’s At A Quarter Of The Price
Kenyon College, Oberlin College and Case Western Reserve University have a few things in common; they are all great schools and they all have the great misfortune to be in the state of Ohio. Also, they are very expensive, so if you are an elite Ohio high school student that doesn’t want to leave the state to get an elite education, you can expect to drop an average of $58,000 on tuition each year just for the privilege of getting an elite education in your home state.
On the other hand, Michigan’s elite high school students can all attend the University of Michigan—a public university that outranks all three of Ohio’s top schools—and you’ll only have to spend $14,000 each year. And when I say they can all attend Michigan, I’m not kidding; U of M’s undergraduate enrollment is more than double that of Ohio’s three best schools combined.
6. Ohio Has To Make Things Up Just To Brag On Its License Plates
Michigan’s license plates haven’t made grandiose claims since they referred to the state as a “Water Winter Wonderland.” And, really, that was nothing to argue over; it’s simply an accurate description of what everyone knows Michigan to be.
In the meantime, Ohio’s license plates refer to it as the “Birthplace of Aviation,” which is a misleading slogan for two reasons:
- There are few claims more heavily disputed than the Wright Brothers’ claim to be the first to fly.
- Even if the Wright Brothers were the first aviators to successfully fly an aircraft, they accomplished the feat in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina!
Giving Ohio credit for that feat because the Wright Brothers were born in Dayton is like giving St. Joseph, Missouri credit for Eminem and New York City credit for Michael Jordan.
7. Michigan Earns Recognition; Ohio Buys It Or Begs For It
Nicknames like “Hockeytown,” “Motown,” “Motor City” and “Rock City” adorn Detroit because of the legacies in sports, manufacturing and music that people all over the world associate with Detroit.
So, why did the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame end up in Cleveland, Ohio? Because the city forked over $65 million to fund its construction. Period. And, no, don’t tell me it was because Cleveland DJ Alan Freed coined the term “rock and roll” and the term stuck.
Removing the word “The” from “The Facebook” doesn’t mean you get credit for creating Facebook, and it certainly doesn’t mean we should build a Facebook museum in your hometown.
The same thing goes for the Pro Football Hall of Fame. The three reasons given for why it’s in Canton are:
- The American Professional Football Association was founded there (before renaming itself the National Football League and moving to New York).
- The Canton Bulldogs used to play football there (until 1927 when the NFL purged itself of its “weak franchises”).
- The community of Canton successfully lobbied the NFL to have the Hall built in its city.
Which of these points is the only one that makes any sense at all? That’s right; number three. This is more evidence that while Michigan’s recognition has been earned, much of Ohio’s has been purchased.
8. “Michigan” Means “Large Lake”; “Ohio” Means “Large Creek”
What’s in a name? In this case, another reason that Michigan is better than Ohio. “Michigan” is a frenchified version of the Ojibwa word “mishigamaa” which means “large lake.”
“Ohio” is an anglicized version of the Iroquois word “ohi-yo” meaning “large creek.” I’ve never heard of a family “going to the creek for the weekend” or “buying a vacation home on the creek.” From where I’m sitting, a lake beats a creek every time.
9. Even When Ohio Wins, They Still Lose
When Ohio "won" the Toledo War, they got Toledo. Big deal. Michigan acquired the entire Upper Peninsula (“Thanks for the free copper and iron… idiots!”) along with the right to enter the Union as the 26th state. Whoever negotiated Michigan’s terms of surrender for Ohio needed to be fired.
10. All Of Michigan’s Nicknames Are Great; All Of Ohio’s Are Stupid
The Buckeye State is named after a poisonous nut, and the people are called “buckeyes” as a result. Really, since Ohioans refer to themselves as “poisonous nuts,” I could stop typing right now and my point will have been made, but I’m really only getting started.
Ohio is also called the “Mother of Presidents” because seven U.S. presidents were born there. However, four of these presidents died in office, so this basically means that if you are born in Ohio and elected president, you have a 57 percent chance of dying on the job. “Graveyard of Presidents” is more like it.
In other words, if you really want to be president, just be the vice presidential candidate on a ticket spearheaded by an Ohioan; it’s a pretty reliable shortcut to the presidency without the hassle of actually campaigning.
Michigan, of course, is “The Great Lakes State,” “The Wolverine State,” and “The Water Winter Wonderland.” When you have the longest freshwater coast in the U.S., you’re named after the coolest and most tenacious of animals (and Michigan still has one of them; I swear!) and you glisten like a diamond in the wintertime, who can really take issue with these?
So there you have it. Whether we’re talking about state symbols, state names or plain old intellect, Michigan is superior to that that state down south any way you slice it. Come to think of it, you actually could slice Michigan into peninsulas and each individual peninsula would still be better than Ohio. It’s just part of the tradition of being a Michigander; outsmarting Ohioans since 1836. That should be on a license plate.
Feature Image Source: Flickr users Jim Bahn and marada
