1. USC Is Not In Southern Cali—At Least Not The One That Counts
Around these parts, the only USC anyone's talking about is the University of South Carolina, not surprising, since it's right in town.
The university is not only a major employer, but tons of happy alums continue to make Columbia their home or at least return for frequent visits, as judging from the crowds that pack Williams-Brice Stadium and the Colonial Life Arena every time the Gamecocks play.
And by the way, Columbia may be the only place where it's not only socially acceptable, but encouraged to wear a T-shirt emblazoned with the word “Cocks.”
2. Clemson University Was Founded By The Devil Himself
Clemson and USC have had a bitter rivalry since way, way back in the day, one that actually predates any athletic competition between the two.
While few now remember its origin (some obscure late 19th century political dispute), everyone in Columbia knows that orange is the wrong color for any occasion.
Some Gamecock fans go so far as to eschew Frosted Flakes for the generic version, since anything associated with a tiger is an unpleasant reminder of their Palmetto Bowl foe.
3. In Soda City, It's All Called Coke—Even If It's Dr Pepper
Columbia is known to natives as “Soda City” or “Cola Town” (or some variant of either), not because it's home to any major bottling plant, and not because its residents are any more addicted to bubbly beverages than anyone else in the South. It's just that the city's name can be abbreviated as “cola”, and the whole cola thing led, by extension, to soda.
Still, Columbians do love their “cokes”—which is a generic term that can be applied to any other kind of carbonated soft drink. Even (much to their corporate chagrin) ones produced by PepsiCo.
4. Red Polka Dots = Booze—Except On Sundays
Liquor stores in Columbia (and throughout South Carolina) aren't permitted to advertise, although this statute doesn't seem to prevent some of them from hosting their own Facebook pages.
They are, however, allowed to draw attention to themselves with big red dots, and Columbia, being a college town, has more red spots than a kid with measles.
While the liquor stores are closed on Sundays, you can still get beer and wine in the grocery store. (Unless you're a Hard Shell Baptist, in which case you'll have to be sneaky about it, or ask a Catholic friend to help out.)
5. Charity Begins At Home—And The City Fathers Would Prefer That You Keep It There
Columbia's compassion-challenged public officials tried last year to enact a law that being homeless would earn you a one-way ticket to jail—or at least to a high-security shelter on the edge of town that you'd need a SEAL team to break you out of.
Public outcry forced them to back off on this plan, but now they're trying to make things tough for givers and give-ees alike by enforcing new laws that require permits and fees for the use of any publicly-owned space.
This is seriously hampering the efforts of do-gooders like Food Not Bombs, who have spent the last decade-plus feeding the city's poor and hungry in local parks.
Community organizers have vowed to keep on with their efforts, however, since in Columbia, humanity trumps obedience to mean spirited laws.
6. Pulley Bones Aren't Just For Wishing
Pulley bones are a regional specialty, a fist-sized piece of fried chicken that surrounds the wishbone. While Shealy's Bar-B-Que is 45 minutes away in Leesville, it's definitely worth the drive.
They do a darn good central South Carolina-style 'cue, the kind with mustard-based “Carolina Gold” sauce, and they've got a buffet with all the classic southern sides and desserts: cornbread, collard greens with fatback, creamed corn, sweet potatoes, 'nana pudding, peach cobbler, and gallons of sweet tea to wash it all down with.
The fried chicken is the star of the show, though, especially those juicy, crispy pulley bones. Mmmmm, so good, if I had a bone to pull right now, I'd wish for another basket!
7. Pimento Cheeseburgers Are Awesome
Pimento cheese is a southern staple, sometimes known as the “caviar of the South.” Made from cheddar (or sometimes Velveeta) cheese, mayonnaise, and those weird little red but totally non-spicy pepper thingies, it's usually smeared between two slices of white bread to make sandwiches, but its even better on top of a burger.
Amazingly enough, not too many burger joints outside the Columbia area seem to have caught on to this million-dollar idea, so the chances you'll ever see a McPimento are slim (which is exactly what you won't be after you develop a taste for these).
You can, however, get a taste of the real deal, on a much better burger, to boot, at the Rosewood Dairy Bar, the Rockaway Athletic Club and Zesto's. If you're willing to venture out into the 'burbs, the Kingsman in Cayce, Irmo's Mathias Sandwich Shop, and the What-A-Burger (not affiliated with the Texas mega-chain) in West Columbia all do their own right tasty pimento burgers.
8. You Don't Have To Love Slimy Veggies To Have A Fine Time At The Okra Strut
The Irmo Okra Strut may be a celebration of what is possibly America's least-favorite veggie, but it still draws nearly 100,000 festival-goers to this sleepy Columbia suburb.
It's got your basic carnival stuff: rides, games, music from ‘70s has-beens like the Little River Band (anyone remember them? yeah, me either), and plenty of non-veggie food options like corn dogs, funnel cakes, all the usual suspects.
The highlight of the whole event, however (at least for anyone inclined towards schadenfreude), is watching little kids compete in the okra eating contest. Oh, those facial expressions as they gamely pretend to like the stuff!
Sure hope their mommies and daddies buy them some (normal-flavored) ice cream afterward, to help get the taste out of their mouths.
9. It May Be A Cold Day In Hell Before The Inferno Return to The Ice
The Columbia Inferno used to be the hottest thing on ice—OK, well, maybe not, but they had the hottest name of any hockey team in the ECHL (with the possible exception of the Orlando Solar Bears).
Unfortunately, they went on “voluntary suspension” after the 2007/2008 season, as their planned move into Colonial Life Arena fell through for reasons that can best be described as complicated (meaning I can't be bothered to dig into them...blah blah blah contracts bla, funding blah, legal issues, blah, I need a nap now, blah).
They are evidently still living in hopes that a brand-new stadium will be constructed in suburban Lexington county, but it seems that project has yet to be deemed shovel-worthy. As of right now, the team has no coach, no players, and they no longer even have a web page, since the old url now points to a site that blathers on about optical glass, Irish bus stations and a zoo in India. Weird. All in all, it looks like the Inferno ain't comin' back to Columbia anytime soon...or ever.
10. Cromer's Have The Best Worst Peanuts Ever
Columbians all know the story behind Cromer's slogan "Guaranteed Worst In Town." It seems that back in the ‘30s, a competing peanut vendor set up across the street and tried to discourage Cromer's customers by yelling out “Don't buy those! Cromer's are no good!” Cromer decided to fight back by guaranteeing that his were the very worst you could get, and the reverse-psychology business strategy must have worked, since Cromer's is still going strong some 80-plus years later.
Columbians all know they really do have the yummiest boiled peanuts you can get just about anywhere. Try 'em in a goober rig—dump a handful in a bottle (glass is best) of coke—Dr. Pepper is perfectly permissible, as is RC, since, of course, they're all coke down here (see above).
Feature Image Source: Flickr user tbrooms
