Meat. Manliness. Wood. Boats. Bourbon. Ron Swanson may be a man of a few words, so it’s fitting that one only needs a few words to call him to mind. It’s fairly obvious he’s the type of man other men aspire to be.
With the final season of “Parks & Recreation” airing now, it seemed a perfect time to buckle down and do some hard work that would make Ron proud.
We know a lot of Ron’s personal favorites, but which city in this damn fine country of ours is his favorite? If Ron Swanson left Pawnee, which city would be the best for him? If we here at Movoto Real Estate were to rank cities based on what Ron would want, which city would rank highest on the Swanson Pyramid Scale Of Greatness (patent pending)?
St. Louis, MO, you were the answer to Ron’s Sacred Question. Here’s the full top 10 and how we ranked each city:
1. St. Louis, MO
2. Las Vegas, NV
3. Atlanta, GA
4. Cincinnati, OH
5. Scottsdale, AZ
6. Miami, FL
7. Birmingham, AL
8. Austin, TX
9. Denver, CO
10.Lexington, KY
The Mathematics Of Manliness
Taking a person like Ron Swanson and breaking him down into a few measurable categories using Yelp and the normally-a-waste-of-taxpayer-money Census data is a nearly impossible task, but we think we managed.
We ranked the top 100 cities in the U.S. based on 2010 population figures using the following data:
- Gun stores per capita
- BBQ restaurants per capita
- Steak houses per capita
- Jazz & blues clubs per capita
- Butcher shops per capita
- Breakfast & brunch restaurants per capita
- Hardware stores per capita
- Liquor stores per capita
- Libraries per capita (less is better)
- Health markets per capita (less is better)
- Divorce rate (higher is beter)
- Population density (lower is better)
Like every great tree, our research needed a seed of a starting point, and this was it.
Breakfast Is The Only Meal That Matters
Coming up with the categories was easy. After seven seasons, the things Ron likes and dislikes are clearer than alcohol for rich women on diets, and we wanted to take into account all of his loves.
Food? Ron’s favorite city needs plenty of smoky, meaty, flavorful BBQ restaurants and steakhouses for that necessary turf ‘n turf meal. And we couldn’t forget breakfast restaurants. Still not sure why people don’t just eat all breakfast, all the time.
Ron also needs some places to let loose with those velvety sax solos, so we included jazz & blues clubs in the ranking as well. His name may be silver, but his tone is pure gold.
And yes, Ron had his own workshop in Pawnee, and would probably frown at the idea of walking into a hardware store, but even Ron needs a starting point. Hardware stores can be just that, as long as he doesn’t run into any contractors there.
And the guns are for hunting. The meat should be scared.
The Swanson Scale
For a few of the categories, we had to Swanson-ize them as compared to our normal ranking system. Ron would want fewer libraries in his perfect city—not more—because that lowers the risk of running into Tammy 2.
And given how most of his marriages ended, he’d also want a higher divorce rate, something other, less free, people would probably shy away from.
Population density? As low as it could be. The less people Ron has to talk to, the better. He isn’t interested in caring about people. He probably wouldn’t even care about us making this list.
We also included health markets so Ron could make sure to stay far, far, FAR away from this hippie-dippie pathetic excuses for food establishments. As Ron would say, it’s all just milk. You’d have better luck at Food and Stuff.
Trimming The ‘Stache
That got us through the data rankings. But, sometimes we have to use our own heads and not let the already too big government tell us how to think.
In the raw rankings, Orlando and Tampa actually came out in first and second place.
But let’s think about those two cities a bit. Can you really imagine Ron Swanson hanging out on a beach? And all that humidity just can’t be good for his mustache.
Sorry, Florida, but you lost out where it counts. We just can’t picture Ron Swanson living there. Sand is nothing more than wishy-washy liberal dirt, and we can’t see Ron ditching his jeans and tools for swim suit and boogey board anytime soon.
The Top Swanson
St. Louis, you are hereby crowned the best city in the country for Mr. Ron Swanson. We aren’t emotional, so don’t expect us to make a big deal out of it or anything.
In fact, we’ve probably said enough words. Don’t even think about asking us for a hug.
St. Louis’s Rank
St. Louis’s highest ranking was in hardware stores, where it ranked first out of every other city we looked at. Plenty of tools to create things with, even if everybody knows that a man’s best tools are his own hard-working hands.
St. Louis also placed in the top 10 for four categories: BBQ restaurants (one for every 4,561 people), steakhouses (one for every 7,257 people), jazz clubs (one for every 29,027 people) and butcher shops (one for every 6,941 people). It’s the perfect meat tornado.
Of course, Ron will need something to wash down all that food, and if he wants to get his one shelf of whiskey a week, he’ll need plenty of stores to choose from. St. Louis was 11th in terms of alcohol purchasing options, with a liquor store for every 2,456 people.
The Real Pawnee?
Pawnee was just too small to be applied to our ranking system here. Blame the math. Or blame the bureaucratic, bloated government that decided that schools should teach math over hunting.
But what about Indianapolis? Pawnee wouldn’t bee too far away from it if it actually existed, and Indianapolis could be an easy in-state move for Ron to make.
It just didn’t rank too well.
Indianapolis ranked 80th on our list. The only category where it fared respectably was in health markets, where it ranked sixth overall. In all the other Swanson categories, Indianapolis just wasn’t cutting the bacon.
Or maybe it was cutting it, but it was veggie bacon. And that stuff just sucks.
So, at the very least, Ron, we aren’t your friend, we aren’t even your work-proximity-associate, but you wouldn’t like Indianapolis. Trust us.
Swanson’s Swan Song
By almost any measurable measure of Ron Swanson’s greatness, St. Louis takes the meat pie.
There’s no place better in this country for a Swanson, and while Ron still won’t answer any of our phone calls or meet with us in person or let us take him out for steak, we are pretty sure he would agree with our findings.
What city do you think would best fit Ron Swanson? Let us know in the comments below.
