1. You’ll Be Appalled At What The Rest Of The Country Tries To Pass For Water
I assure you, despite the questionable taste and maybe even the color, that stuff coming out of the tap is legitimately water. It’s just not Oregon water. But nothing is Oregon water except Oregon water.
2. Pumping Your Own Gas Is For Peasants And Now You, Too
It can’t be that hard, right? Wait, what does this red button do?
3. It Takes A Really Long Time To Get Used To Sales Tax
Yeah, you’ll get used to paying an extra few cents here and there, but just wait until you have to buy a refrigerator for your new place. You’re going to be sitting in that sticker shock for months.
4. But You’ll Think It’s Raining Liquid Gold
You won’t believe it, but other places in the world have sunshine year-round, not just in summer. Invest in a good pair of sunglasses and don’t forget the SPF.
5. You Still Won’t Use An Umbrella
Even when it rains other places, it’s not so bad. But everyone else might not agree. A little rain and everyone turns into the Wicked Witch of the West, scared of melting. You’ll look like quite the boss.
6. You Have To Search So Much Harder To Find Real Coffee
You’ll probably even find that you have to cave to Starbucks more than occasionally. Don’t shoot the messenger. You’re the one who decided to leave Oregon, remember?
7. You’re Going To Hate The Word Hipster Even More Than You Already Do
Oh, you’re from Oregon? That’s filled with hipsters, right? Are you a hipster? Are your friends hipsters? Do you do hipster things with your hipster friends that were hipster cool before it was normal cool? Prepare for these questions, you hipster, you.
8. It’s Like Trees Were Just Invented Everywhere Else
You’ll look at trees and wonder “When were these planted? Last week?” Compared to Oregon trees, which are clearly older than Betty White.
9. You’ll Realize You Can No Longer Climb Your Way To The Clouds
There is no outdoors like the Oregon outdoors. Everywhere is under the same sky, of course, but you won’t find anywhere else where you feel like you can literally touch it.
10. You’ll Try To Still Love Beaches But It Gets Hard
What you call the coastline, everyone else calls the beach. Except, it’s not really a coastline anywhere else, it’s just a bunch of sand. So lame.
11. Hills Are No Longer Painted
Good luck finding scenery like this.
12. Alone Time Is Harder To Find
So you decided you wanted to be a part of the bright lights of New York City but now you want a little alone time? Hilarious. Oregon is one of the last bastions of solitude and freedom left, maybe in the world.
13. You’ll Regret All The Times You Didn’t Explore Every Waterfall
Oregon has a minimum of 238 waterfalls running through it. Wherever you’re going, you’ll be lucky if you find a handful.
14. You’ll Be Transformed Into A Crab Snob
The Dungeness crabs of Oregon? Forget it. And unless you’re headed to Maine, consider crabs out completely.
15. It Really Will Be All About Portland
It’s as if Portland swallowed Oregon whole and no one on Earth has heard of anywhere else within the state. But, you’re probably already used to that.
16. Or, Even Worse: Seattle
Yes, Seattle. We know. Grunge and stuff. Yay for you.
17. You Won’t Find As Many People Willing To Take You Camping
Camping just isn’t as big of a deal most other places as it is in Oregon. You can’t really blame them, though. When you don’t live in Oregon, it’s just not the same.
18. No Longer Having A Volcano Over Your Shoulder Isn’t The Least Bit Comforting
Who knew a volcano could be so comforting? Only everyone from Oregon.
19. There Will Be More Oregon Trail Jokes Than You’ll Know What To Do With
After a hundred or so “died of dysentery” jokes, you might want to punch a fool. Learn to ignore it for your own sanity or, at the very least, to avoid the bench warrant.
20. Sometimes You Might Even Feel Like You Can’t Breathe
Oregon is one of the greenest places in the whole world. Air quality like that doesn’t just fall out of the… well, sky. Unless you’re planning on moving to Iceland.
21. You’ll Find Yourself Becoming A Recycling Tyrant
In Oregon, the sorting and recycling and composting was completely normal. But so many other places you may find yourself, you’ll find that this is not the case. Simply doing your part in managing waste will make you look like Captain Planet to your neighbors.
22. Don’t Get Your Hopes Up About Any Other Fairs
Fairs, festivals, carnivals, whatever hack-style brouhaha the state you moved to is throwing, none can possibly compare to the pure, unadulterated, vaudevillian awesomeness that is the Oregon Country Fair.
23. Elephant Ears Are Just Ears On Elephants
They’re not the deliciously sugary fried dough concoction that you’ve come to know and love, unfortunately. No offense to any elephants. The real things are nice, too.
24. You Will Be A God Among Craft Beer Lovers
Portland is the craft brewery mecca of the world. If people thought your knowledge of coffee was over the top, just wait until they hear you order up those microbrews.
25. And Why Does No One Love Soccer? WHY?!
You probably never understood when you heard people say that soccer isn’t that big of a deal in the States. Until you left Oregon, which seems to be the only state making a big deal about soccer. Go Timbers!
26. Convincing Everyone The Ducks Are A Legit Team Is A Tough Sell
People will ask what you do without a professional football team? When you answer by rooting for the Ducks, no one will get it. But they don’t have to. Just keep sporting that yellow and green.
27. And The Beavers Even Harder
If you’re not a Ducks fan, then you’re undoubtedly on the side of the Beavers.
If someone isn’t cheering for the Ducks, they’ll be backing the Oregon State Beavers. The rivalry in-state is pretty intense, making it impossible to cheer for both teams at the same time.
28. Not All Mushrooms Are Created Equal
Yet another thing you get can’t elsewhere as good as you’re used to getting in Oregon are all those glorious, glorious mushrooms. And you’re definitely not getting them with your own two hands.
29. Everyone Will Ask About Portlandia
And you can’t even deny how authentic it can really be, which is even more maddening. One way to dodge the topic is to bring up how the town of Springfield in the Simpsons is based on a nondescript town in Oregon.
30. But The Goonies Reference Is Always A Crowd Pleaser
But the best way to change the subject is to talk about how you lived in the land of The Goon Docks and maybe, probably did the Truffle Shuffle once as a teenager in front of the house from filming. You’re a Goonie for life. And Goonies never say die. They also never really leave Oregon, so get your confused self back here stat.
What do you miss about Oregon? Tell us in the comments below!
