1. You’ll Need A Calendar To Know When It’s The First Day Of Spring
Because seeing everyone standing in line for two hours at Rita’s for an otherwise $2 cup of water ice on the first day of spring is no longer an option.
2. And Oh Yeah, Good Luck Finding Someone Who Knows What “Wooder” Ice Is
It’s Italian Ice everywhere else. As if that makes any sense.
3. Just Get Used To Everyone Having An Eagles Joke
The good news is that very few people have the guts to push the jokes too far. They didn’t have Eagles court for no reason, after all.
4. Kiss Your Butterscotch Krimpets Goodbye
The day you leave Tastykakes behind is the day part of your soul dies. Just a warning.
5. Brace Yourself For The Impending Wawa Withdrawal
No 7-11 or Piggly Wiggly or any other imitation convenience store will ever be able to do for you what Wawa has done for you. You only get one true love.
6. Your Pride For Anyone Remotely Philly Based Will Explode
Of course everyone knows Will Smith is from West Philadelphia (born and raised…), but your pride for anyone Philly-related will triple once you leave the city. Joe Frasier? Legend. And Bradley Cooper? You didn’t even like the guy until you realized he was a Philly boy (Jenkintown is close enough once you leave.) Now you’re his biggest fan. And The Roots! So much love for The Roots.
7. Along With Your Love For Local “Celebrities”
Harry Kalas gets the top spot for local celebrities without a doubt. But a special nod goes to the late and great Gary Papa and Captain Noah.
8. You’re Never Going To Hear The End About The Santa Claus Snowball Thing
No matter how many times you tell people the real story, they’ll always cling to the headline. Of course, the media never mentions that he was drunk.
9. You’ll Try But You’ll Never Find An Authentic Cheesesteak
Cheesesteak attempts around the country have admittedly come a long way in recent years. I tried getting a cheesesteak in Florida a little over a decade ago and was literally given cubes of London broil on a roll with slices of Kraft. But no matter how far they’ve come, they’ll never get it right.
10. But You’ll Get So Sick Of Talking About Cheesesteaks Anyway
Cheesesteaks get to be a tired claim to fame pretty quickly. Sure, they’re worth talking about along with taking the opportunity to correct everyone on the fact that no one but tourists go to Pat’s or Geno’s. But what about the pork sandwiches? What about the Liberty Bell and the Constitution? Also pretty big claims to fame that might be worth discussing.
11. People Will Ask You If You Wore A Bulletproof Vest To School
Nope. We rode in armored trucks. You know, because there’s no place in the country more dangerous to live in. Never mind the fact that Detroit, St. Louis, Cleveland, Buffalo, Camden, Oakland, and Baltimore (to name a few) have higher crime rates.
12. You Can Still Hate The Cowboys As Much As You Want, Though
Because one thing you will have in common with the majority of people everywhere is a mutual disgust for anything Cowboy-related. If they have any sense, that is.
13. You Now Have To Ask For Sprinkles
Asking for jimmies will get you nothing but strange looks. Who is Jimmy and why do you want him on your ice cream?
14. No One Knows What A Jawn Is
You know how New Yorkers use “joint” for everything? Well, if Spike Lee were from Philly, he would call his movie Spike Lee Jawns.
15. You Can Keep Calling It Philly But Stop Calling It PA
Everyone will know what you’re talking about when you say Philly, but no one else calls Pennsylvania “PA” except people who live there. To everyone else, PA is an audio set up for public speaking.
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16. Don’t Explain Scrapple
The only way to explain scrapple is to have someone taste test it. Telling them what it is never works. Just call it a pork product loaf jawn.
17. You Can Actually Park Your Car Without Worrying About Getting A $300 Ticket
No more of those sneaky handicap only spaces and, better yet, no more PPA.
18. No One Will Care What Neighborhood You Were From
Trying desperately to explain the difference between Kensington and Fishtown? Guess what? No one cares. It’s all the same to outsiders. Every neighborhood is either Old City or Strawberry Mansion.
19. Public Transportation Becomes Much Less Colorful
You might actually have to start watching reality television to get in as much crazy in one day as you can walking through the city.
20. You Won’t Find News Anchors Anywhere Else Who Will Laugh Directly In Someone’s Face
Perhaps the single most important piece of journalism ever recorded. It never stops being funny.
21. You’ll Run Into A Lot Of People Who Claim To Be From Philly
You meet someone who tells you they’re from Philly, too. You get all excited and ask what part, only for them to respond with something like “Doylestown.” Ummm, no.
22. But When You Do Find Someone From Philly, It’s Like Finding Your Soul Mate
It’s funny how you didn’t have the time of day for anyone while you were here. But when you leave Philly and you meet someone else from Philly, you’ll become instant best friends, secret decoder rings and all.
23. Until You Find That Person Who Likes Philly A Little Too Much
None of us are with this guy. Time to scale it back a little, buddy.
24. No One Will Be Allowed To Love Rocky As Much As You
Lots of other people will tell you that they loved the Rocky movies so much, they’ve seen them, like, 100 times each. You will not accept this. Because you’ve seen the Rocky movies, like, 500 times each and you’ve run up the art museum steps a few dozen times, too. So what if you got a cramp and took a walk break halfway through? You’re still clearly the world’s biggest Rocky fan.
25. Talking About The Beef And Beer You Attended When You Were 15 Will Get You Funny Looks
Your aunt broke her leg and couldn’t work for three months. The solution? Throw a beef and beer! No one gets it. Just call it a fundraiser and skip the awkwardness.
26. From Now On, Vacation Means Going To The Beach
The term “downtheshore” makes zero sense to anyone outside of the Philly metro area. It’s a beach and you’re traveling to it, not down it.
27. Your Daytrip Options Won’t Be Nearly As Exciting Anymore
An hour to the mountains or the shore, two hours to New York and Baltimore, two and a half to DC, and for the road tripping enthusiast, you even have Boston and Pittsburgh within range. Very few places around the country will put you so centrally located to virtually everything.
28. New Year’s Day Will Always Be Missing Something
Because you’re not home and you’re missing all the weird fun.
29. Other Cities Pretend To Be LGBT Friendly
But do they have a Gayborhood?
30. You’ll Try To Pretend Like Wingbowl Isn’t A Thing
Then you’re reminded that millions of people go every year and you facepalm one for the city.
31. All Sports Mascots Pale In Comparison To Your Beloved Phanatic
Everyone will ask him what he is. All you need to tell them is that he’s your bro for life.
32. People Will Try To Pass This Off As A Soft Pretzel
If Shakespeare wrote about food, this would be his grandest tragedy of all.
33. Add Hoagies To Your List Of Things You’re Giving Up On
You can find some pretty decent sandwiches on a roll around the country. But for starters, they’re usually called subs, heroes, or grinders – never hoagies. And like cheesesteaks, they never really quite live up to what you’re used to.
34. Youse Better Get Used To People Pointing Out That Accent
I know, I know. You don’t have an accent, right? I believe you. Now, go to the Midwest, walk into any random bar, and strike up a conversation. Guaranteed that someone in that bar will be able to pinpoint you from Philly.
35. You Quickly Realize How Full Of It Outsiders Are
You’re no stranger to Philly jokes, you’ve heard them your whole life. And for as much as you love your city, you can name a dozen things wrong with it off the top of your head, too. But when you leave the city and realize just how much other cities of comparable sizes have wrong with them, you can’t help but laugh. Philly rules. Sometimes it just takes leaving to see how much.
What do you miss about Philadelphia? Tell us in the comments below!
