1. Everyone Suddenly Seems Like Such a Big Jerky Jerkface
You’re so used to the glowing personalities of Iowans, being suddenly thrust into the outside population feels much like what you assume Buddy The Elf felt like when he left The North Pole. No one appreciates the pure niceness of an Iowan like a fellow Iowan.
2. Kiss Your Maid-Rite Goodbye
The only loose meat you’re going to find are in sloppy Joes from here on out. It’s a sad world out there, kids.
3. Iowans Are Some Of The Brightest Bulbs In The Lamp
Outsiders have a misguided perception of Iowans as being a bit slow to the punch. Meanwhile, it has one of the most literary active populations in the entire country. The advantage is, you can really hustle those people in a Scrabble game.
4. You’ll Spend A Lot Of Time Describing The Iowa Landscape
Since a lot of people seem to think the state is nothing but dirt roads and tumbleweeds, it’s up to you to educate them. They somehow missed those rolling, green Iowa hills that make even the idyllic English countryside look dreary, and that Des Moines was named the wealthiest city in America in 2014. You don’t get that name by living out of covered wagons.
5. Here’s A PhD For Explaining How Iowa Is Different From Idaho And Ohio
Apparently people think if a state has three syllables with more vowels than consonants, they must all be the same. It’s really annoying at first, but you grow to become grateful that you’re not mistaken for New Jersey.
6. You’ll Brag About People You Never Thought You Would
Ashton Kutcher? Slipknot? Sure. Why not? They’re Iowans which makes them infinitely cooler than everyone else.
7. If You Build It, They Still Won’t Come
You’re literally leaving behind an entire Field of Dreams. Those things don’t just grow on trees, you know. (Because they grow in corn fields, duh.)
8. And Everyone Will Ask An Iowan If They’ve Seen The Movie
Field of Dreams? The best movie of all time? The one where Kevin Costner kidnaps Darth Vader and finally gets to play a game of catch with his Goodfellas dad? Nope. Never seen it.
9. People Have Low Standards For Corn Mazes
What are you going to do without all those glorious corn fields? Hide-and-go seek will never be the same. Maze running will never be the same. And your dinner plate will definitely never be the same.
10. Brace Yourself–No More Sterzing’s Chips
Your options now are limited to the likes of Lays. How do people even survive out here?
11. People Will Assume You Must Not Be That Into Sports
Without a pro football team, what would be the point right? If you say so…
12.That Black And Gold Color Combo Won’t Transition Very Well Most Other Places
You’ll find you stand out like a sore thumb with all that black and gold on.
13. Explaining Herky Isn’t As Easy As You Thought
He’s just a “you had to be there” kind of thing. No one will get it and this will enrage you.
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14. Cyclones Are Something You Need An Emergency Plan For
If you’re not a Hawkeyes fan, you’re obsessed with Iowa State. This Cyclone obsession doesn’t come with a mandatory emergency kit. Everywhere else, it does.
15. No Other Rivalry Ever Seems As Intense As An Iowa-Iowa State Game
When people ask why you have an ulcer and you tell them that it’s because of the last Iowa-Iowa State game, everyone will think you’re nuts. Only an Iowan could ever really understand.
16. And A House Divided Can Never Truly Be Explained
Relationships that exist between Iowa-Iowa State rivals should have research papers written about them in science journals. How they manage to not only co-exist but still love each other after an Iowa-Iowa State game is truly an oddity to marvel.
17. No One Seems To Know What Day The Music Died
But you will never forget.
18. Your State Fair Enthusiasm Will Go From 50 To About 2
If you think that you’ll find giant butter cows hardcore enough to need their own security team, pork chops on a stick, voting with corn kernels, double bacon wrapped corn dogs, potato chicken pickle towers, and a Sky Glider to get you around to all of it without having to move anywhere, then you’re in for a sad day when you discover that no one knows how to do a state fair the way Iowa does.
19. “Fresh Dairy” Isn’t As Fresh Everywhere Else
Your macaroni and cheese won’t be the only thing that suffers for your decision to leave Iowa.
20. You’ll Be So Much Less Important Come Election Time
It’s like no one even knows what a caucus is.
21. And Good Luck Getting Your Baby Kissed By The President
Chances of having your baby kissed by the potential President whether they like it or not in Iowa = 1:4
Chances of having your baby kissed by the potential President whether they like it or not anywhere else = 1: 899,320,648
22. No Race Can Hold A Candle To RAGBRAI
You might find plenty of bike races wherever it is you land. But if you think you’ll find a week-long bike tour across an entire state with nearly 10,000 competitors, you’re sorely mistaken. That’s because RAGBRAI is the largest bike touring event in the world. Yes, the world.
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23. Vacationing At Disney Is A Yawn Compared To Adventureland
No more Adventureland? What is a childhood without the Bermuda Quadrangle?!
24. There Are Plenty Of Zombies, But No Zombie Burgers
The zombie craze has taken over the whole country. But you can only get an awesome Walking Ched from Des Moines own Zombie Burger.
25. No One Will Be Allowed To Love Bacon The Way That You Love Bacon
Everywhere you go, you’ll find people who say that they love bacon. And I’m sure they do. It’s bacon, after all. But do they have an entire festival dedicated to it? And can you get an entire bucket full of bacon the way you can at Jethro’s Bacon Bacon? Nope.
Pigs don’t outnumber Iowans 3-1 for nothing. That bacon loving title is yours.
26. That Pork Queen Sash Might Not Be As Impressive To Outsiders
Trust me, you should be jealous.
27. People Will Think You Invented Snow
If you don’t know how to drive in the snow, then you’re definitely not from Iowa. Anywhere else, and you’ll scoff in the face of blizzards and make full scale igloos in your sleep while your new neighbors panic and clear the shelves of bread and milk over four inches.
28. Iowa Stories Sound A Lot Stranger When You Leave
You know that story about how your dad went and bought a bunch of cows for his midlife crisis? It sounds perfectly normal here in Iowa. But when you leave, people will think you’re joking even when you’re being dead serious.
29. Exile Is Not Fun Without Exile
But if you can find it, you’ll feel like you just hit the jackpot.
30. There’s No Place Like Home
For all of these reasons and many, many more, you will quickly come to realize that leaving Iowa was the biggest mistake of your life. Luckily, Iowa is always waiting to welcome you back with open arms proving that you can, in fact, always come back home. (And you will.)
What do you miss about Iowa? Tell us in the comments below!
