24 Things No One In Alaska Has Time For

1. Alaskans Don’t Care About Your Antiquated Gender Roles

The girls in Alaska know how to play with the boys and still look good doing it. There just aren’t the same gender stereotypes here. So get over it.

2. Don’t Hand An Alaskan Your Nasty Hot Dog

Once you’ve had reindeer sausage, no other wiener will compare.

3. Alaskans Tell The Coffee Snobs To Stay In Seattle

Anchorage is basically the espresso capital of the world but they don’t need fancy décor and overpriced scones and free wi-fi to lure in customers, it’s that good.

4. A Crab By Any Other Name Is No Crab At All

There’s a reason why they’re called the Kings.

5. Catching Fish Smaller Than A Toddler Is A Total Waste Of Alaskan Time

Luckily, it doesn’t happen very often.

6. Drivers Who Can’t Navigate A Roundabout

It’s a circle, not rocket science. And yet…

7. Alaskan Traffic Jams Are Just A Little Bit Different Than Everywhere Else

Another huge perk to Alaskan life is a serious improvement in traffic. But you never can tell when you’ll get randomly held up.

8. Alaskans Won’t Live Under Fascist Tax Rules

Along with a PDF, Alaskans get the benefit of not having to pay a state income tax. Some of the cities don’t charge a city sales tax, either. And the cities that do, like Juneau, only charge five percent.

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9. People Who Didn’t Pay Attention In Geography Class Need To GTFO

For anyone who slept their way through school—yes, Alaskans are Americans. And Alaska is so big, that if it was attached to the Lower 48, it would swallow almost all of it. Alaska feels like it’s own unique country, but it’s not.

10. Explaining The Difference Between Continuous And Contiguous States Makes Alaskans Cringe

They are two different words with separate meanings. When referring to Alaska, the latter is the one you’re looking for yet rarely use.

11. Alaskans Are Over Taking Pictures Of Their Homes

Especially when it’s to prove to outsiders that they don’t live in igloos. Except when there is the occasional igloo. Then it’s Instagram gold.

12. When It Comes To Summer, Alaskans Don’t Have A Second To Waste

There’s no time to talk! Summer is here and we have to… never mind, winter is back.

13. Alaskans Have Heard All Your Sarah Palin Jokes

And for the record, they’re still not funny.

14. Alaskans Know How Going Head To Head With A Bald Eagle Will End

Spoiler alert: The eagles always win. But you never tire of looking at freedom with wings.

15. Running Out Of Groceries On Dividend Day Is A Problem

You think the bush is dangerous? Try not getting trampled by 800 pocket-rich Alaskans who took a four-hour long ferry ride to get the last box of Captain Crunch. Now that’s a survival skill worthy of reality television.

16. Only Alaskans Understand Waiting For A Week For $15, Two-Day Shipping

Actually, Hawaiians understand this one, too. It’s kind of like how everyone else shopped online in the ’90s.

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17. Alaskans Shut Down Your Cold Complaints Like Boom

And all that snow you battled through last winter, New England? Alaskans call that Tuesday.

18. If You Don’t Like Life Extreme, You’re In The Wrong State

Let’s face it, Alaska has the potential to get all kinds of boring. That’s why whether they’re climbing glaciers or running with reindeer, Alaskans know how to keep it interesting.

19. Explaining How To Pronounce Alaskan Town Names Could Take A Whole Lifetime

Unalakleet, Matanuska, Inupiag, Qiviut, Ninilchik, Ptarmigan, Kuskokwim. The list could go on, but Alaskans really don’t feel like having to tell you how to pronounce even more.

20. Out-Of-State Roadtrips? There’s No Such Thing For Alaskans

For many Alaskans, just getting to Seattle includes a long ferry ride and a $300 plane ticket. Add at least one more flight if you plan on going anywhere else.

21. Boring Scenery Is For Delaware, Not Alaskans

One of Alaska’s biggest bragging rights is the picturesque scenery that can be found virtually anywhere you go. Flat lands and lifeless skies are for the Lower 48.

22. People Who Think Alaskans Don’t Drive Compact Sized Cars Are So Clueless

Alaskans are the MacGyvers of life.

23. Ever Wondered Why Alaska Doesn’t Have A Bug Problem?

There are no cockroaches, termites, or killer bee problems and relatively no snakes in Alaska. And it’s not because of the cold, it’s because Alaskans have more pressing issues to deal with. Like getting eaten alive by bears.

24. If It’s Not A Little Weird, It’s Not For Alaskans

And only Alaskans truly know that “weird” is never an insult, it’s a compliment. It’s what makes them different from the rest of the Lower 48.
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