1. Floridians Can See Right Through Your Paradise Envy
Ever notice how Floridians get treated like the step-kid the other 49 states try to make sleep under the stairs? That’s just the built up resentment of seeing Floridians basking in the balmy January sunshine in flip flops while everyone else is breaking their backs shoveling snow and plotting their escape to early retirement in, where? Oh yeah, Florida.
2. Getting Stuck Behind The Snowbirds Is The Worst
People who move to Florida for the winter and adapt to the local culture are one thing. But Northerners who come to Florida to keep from freezing to death but bring their Northerner lifestyles and attitudes with them are the worst. Florida is a melting pot. Learn how to blend.
3. Nevermind, Getting Stuck Behind Tourists Is Actually The Worst
It’s not the Florida doesn’t enjoy all the money they make off their tourism industry. But if you’re within 50 miles of a beach, don’t plan on getting anywhere fast. And if you’re within 50 miles of Disney, invest in tranquilizers.
4. Don’t Insult Them With That Imitation Orange Juice Crap
What is this artificially flavored orange poison? If it’s not made from a Florida orange, it’s not worth drinking.
5. Beaches Basically Anywhere Else
A beach is not just any beach. What color is this sand… yellow? Eww. Floridians are used to pristine, white sand against clear blue water. Anything less isn’t worth discussing.
6. Floridians Avoid The Summer Heat Like The Plague
Floridians are proud of their beaches but you’ll only find them there in the late fall and winter months. Florida gets so hot, it feels much like what I assume it would if Satan himself ran an air vent from Hell and opened it up directly over Tallahassee. Floridians stay inside in the air conditioning from May through October.
7. The Severe Hypothermic Conditions Of 70 Degree Weather
Believe it or not, it does get cold in Florida. Sometimes it gets so cold, Floridians even have to put on a jacket. It’s unbearable, really.
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8. Floridians See Your Islands And Raise You The Keys
You might be able to find islands everywhere. But only Florida has The Keys. It’s OK to be jealous.
9. Income Tax Is A Fate Worse Than Death For Floridians
Florida is one of the few states still left that doesn’t have state income tax. That means that virtually everyone else is paying to live everywhere but Florida. And that makes no sense what-so-ever.
10. South Florida If You’re North, North Florida If You’re South
If you have to ask what’s so different about the Panhandle and Southern Florida, you probably wouldn’t understand anyway. It might as well be two different states. The Panhandle is more typically Southern, and Southern Florida is generally what you see in all those beach and Disney pictures.
11. People Who Think Disneyland Is The Same Thing As Disney World
Stop comparing the two. One is a land, the other is a world. You do the math. Florida wins.
12. Visits From Out-Of-Town Friends
Because they know they’re going to get stuck taking them to Disney World. Hey, I said Disney World was better than Disney Land. I didn’t say Floridians actually go there.
13. Grocery Stores That Dare To Have A Name Other Than Publix
Because there is no greater culinary concoction on Earth than that of a Publix Sub.
14. All Those Anti-Florida Political Jokes
You leave one chad dangling and you never live it down…
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15. Floridians Have Never Met A Hurricane They Can’t Party To
You know that song that goes, “here I am, rock you like a hurricane?” That was written by Florida. OK, it was actually written by The Scorpions. But it could have been written by Florida and that’s all that matters. Hurricane parties are a dime a dozen in the Sunshine State.
16. Deciding Not To Go Back For The Sunblock
It doesn’t matter how late a Floridian is running. If they forgot the sunblock, they go back for it, otherwise the outcome can be brutal. And with a sun that is only about 50 feet away from the surface of Florida, it’s not surprising that the person who invented sunblock was a Floridian in 1944.
17. Floridians Don’t Care About Your Football Team
The 1972 Dolphins remain the only undefeated team in NFL history. And Floridians won’t let you forget it.
18. There Is No Making Friends With Heat Haters
The Miami Heat, that is. How does the old proverb go? If you can’t take The Heat, then get out of Miami.
19. Floridians Can’t Be Bothered To Explain Why Stone Crabs Are Superior
There’s no time to explain. There is only time to eat. Get crackin’.
20. Spring Means Wishing Florida Wasn’t So Great After All
Between the spring breakers who don’t know how to use a trash can and spring training season, April is the universal month Floridians wish they could convince outsiders that North Dakota is the new Florida.
21. Floridians Know Speed Limits Are As Useless As Income Tax
Because what good is a car if it can’t go really fast in the same circle for the next few hours?
22.. Manatee Ambivalence Will Not Be Tolerated
If you don’t love manatees, then you don’t have any business in Florida.
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