1. It’s A Disgrace What Non-Marylanders Try To Pass Off As Crabs
No crabs taste quite like home.
2. Marylanders Have To Remind Everyone About Blue Crabs
The distinction is important.
3. And Then Answer, “But Why Aren’t They Blue?”
People will ask you why those blue crabs you rave so much about are called blue crabs if they’re actually red in that crabfest picture from your backyard last summer. Just remember, it’s not nice to make fun of people.
4. What’s An Ex-Marylander To Do With All That Orange?
When you leave Maryland, you’ve officially left Orioles country. Now all that orange in your wardrobe is good for is Halloween.
5. People Actually Cheer For The Colts
I’m sorry. Did I just say their name? My bad. But it’s true. It’s like they have NO IDEA.
6. And They Talk A Lot Of Smack On The Ravens
That’s what happens when you win two Super Bowls in the past 15 years.
7. Keep An Emergency Stash Of Old Bay Handy
You can buy Old Bay at pretty much any grocery store nationwide, but getting it in a restaurant is a different story. Keep an Old Bay stash in the glove compartment of your car for emergencies.
8. But Prepare For The Inevitable Old Bay Intervention
When your new friends see you putting Old Bay on literally everything, including ice cream, you could end up with a few people who want to come between you and your seasoning.
This can never happen. As Gandalf told Frodo, “Keep it secret, keep it safe.”
9. So Maybe Don’t Even Mention The Dead Rise
They’ll never understand. But the joke’s on them.
10. Even Worse, J.O. Is Nowhere To Be Found
The really bad news goes to the Chesapeake Bay seasoning purists. Your precious J.O. spice isn’t available the way Old Bay is.
Either bring a lifetime supply with you or learn how to do what you swore you would never do and substitute with The Bay.
11. No One Knows The Difference Between A Terrapin And A Turtle
Making you look like some reptilian expert. Or that “I like turtles” kid. Either one.
12. There’s No Place Like Chesapeake
You’ll find plenty of beaches, lakes, and even some nice bays. But you’ll never find another Chesapeake.
13. Marylanders Impress With Their Mussel Shucking Skills
If mussel shucking actually qualifies as a skill, then it could easily be your super power. Take your new friends out for some seafood and dazzle them.
14. To Someone In The Deep South, Maryland Folks Will Always Be Northerners
If you head down to South Carolina or Georgia and try to act like you’re one of them, you’ll quickly discover just how Northern they think you are.
15. There Might Actually Be Army Fans Around For The Army Navy Game
Not that there’s a point in cheering for anyone but Navy. (The win is just implied, obviously.) But, it’s true. In fact, The Navy presence you’re probably used to in some point by now will drop drastically.
16. Maryland Flag Tattoos Will Finally Become The Conversational Piece You’d Always Hoped
Most outsiders don’t even know what their own state flag looks like, let alone yours.
17. No One Will Get That John Waters Halloween Costume
Are you… Pee Wee Herman? With … Flamingos?
18. But Edgar Allan Poe Might Get First Place
The good news here is that most people will recognize your Edgar Allan Poe costume and you’ll almost definitely be the only person at the party wearing it, unlike last year when there were so many of you, they made you all sit at the Poe table.
19. There Are People Out There Who Have Never Seen Hairspray
This is especially shocking for the Baltimore crowd. Hairspray isn’t as big of a deal and not everyone knows the words to Good Morning, Baltimore.
20. Marylanders Spend A Lot Of Time Explaining That Baltimore Is In Maryland, Not The Other Way Around
Baltimore is great. But it’s just one piece that makes up the Maryland puzzle. Your mission, if you choose to accept, is to spread the Maryland love and help educate everyone on life beyond Charm City.
21. But A Lot Of People Will Say They’re From Baltimore When They’re Really Not
You’ll meet Marylanders who claim to be from Baltimore, but it’s mainly just because it’s easier that way.
22. No One Will Understand The Regional Differences
North Maryland is entirely different from Southern Maryland? Eastern Shore is a world of its own? Baltimore might as well be its own state?
23. Marylanders Might Want To Relearn How To Sing The National Anthem
Everyone sings the same song, of course. But when you shout the “Oh!” forty times louder than everyone else, it might accompany the proverbial record scratch while the entire stadium comes to a halt to stare at you.
24. Maryland Folks Who Follow Lacrosse Are Out Of Luck
No, I’m serious. Some people play lacrosse in high school and college but it’s definitely not the deal that it is throughout Maryland. Good luck finding a bar where you can catch a game.
25. Small Town, USA Is Much Harder To Find
In order to find a small town like you can in Maryland, you’re going to have to resort to watching Runaway Bride a lot.
26. The Ocean City Boardwalk Will No Longer Be A Drive Away
Are you really ready to part ways with that bucket of Thrashers fries?
27. No One Cares About Oysters The Way Marylanders Do
Over-harvesting? Depleted crops? The importance of a healthy ecosystem? Once you leave, you’ll have a hard time finding anyone who knows what you’re talking about.
And you can’t very well save the bay from so far away now, can you?
28. Bridges Become Much Less Exciting
Pittsburgh has a few cool bridges. San Francisco has some big red one. But short of that, you’ll never really look at bridges in the same way as you do in Maryland.
29. Life May Become Much More Vanilla
From beach dwellers to farmers, the artists to the suits, every race and every religion – Maryland has it all and everyone is accounted for here. You can’t find that kind of diversity just anywhere.
30. Ex-Marylanders Will Kick Themselves For Taking All This For Granted
Some of you might even be thinking “I didn’t even know we had sunflower fields like that!”
31. They Don’t Call It Little America For No Reason
Where else can you have a Bloody Mary (loaded with Old Bay, of course) on the boardwalk for breakfast, ocean fresh blue crabs (loaded with Old Bay, of course) for lunch, followed by an evening sipping local wine by the fire in the mountains?
What do you miss about Maryland? Tell us in the comments below!
