1. Finding Food At Four AM Has Never Been A Problem
All you’ve ever had to do is stop in one of the dozens of 24/7 diners and a burger and fries or a ridiculous breakfast platter was there waiting for you.
2. The Perfect Vacation Is Just A Day Trip Away
Mountains, ocean, countryside, wooded areas…take your pick. Massachusetts has ‘em all. When you’re landlocked and see nothing but cornfields for miles, you’ll finally realize how much this has spoiled you.
3. Cookie Cutter Houses Put You To Sleep
You think they have houses out there like we do in Boston or Martha’s Vineyard or the Berkshires? Spoiler alert: they don’t. Be prepared. Cookie-cutter suburbs will seem like a total snooze-fest.
4. You Will Run On Dunks For Life
Does it still count as an addiction if it in no way negatively affects your life? And can you believe there are some poor souls out there who don’t run on dunks at all?
5. You Don’t Believe Someone Is Serious Unless They Say Wicked
It doesn’t matter if someone says you’re doing a “really great job” or they think you’re “a really awesome person.” Unless you’re doing a WICKED great job and you’re a WICKED awesome person, it’s all meaningless.
6. No Man Will Ever Compare To Tom Brady
Regardless of your sexual orientation, that man is a beautiful saint, and you know it. And he was always fighting for you.
7. You Have Always Known How To Keep The Faith
When they were suffering through the Curse, you loved ‘em. When they were champions, you loved ‘em. And you loved the Red Sox everywhere in between. How lucky you’ve been to have a team to teach you true loyalty.
8. Regular Bowling Will Leave You Totally Unimpressed
After candlepin bowling, giant pins just make it seem like a child’s game.
9. You Expect Your Lobster To Be Cheap And High Quality At The Same Time
Better yet if it’s served on a roll.
10. And You’ll Never Be Able To Settle For Subpar Clam Chowdah
Or even worse, Manhattan style chowder. That’s not even just subpar; it’s an abomination.
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11. Being Who You Are And Loving Who You Want Are Never A Big Deal
Compared to some parts of the country, Massachusetts is like one big accepting happy utopia. From Northampton to Provincetown to Amherst, it’s A-OK to just do you.
12. Massachusetts Fall Is The Most Beautiful Time Of The Year Anywhere
You almost understand all those leaf peepers, even if you still wish they’d learn how to drive.
13. But Then Again, Lilacs Make Your Springs Unbeatable
Fall definitely has some serious competition in Massachusetts.
14. And You’ve Had Real, White Winters With Snow And The Fun That Comes With It
Sure, shoveling the five feet of snow off the top of your car every morning sucks, but it sure is pretty and fun sometimes.
Who are we kidding? You’re spoiled ALMOST year-round with amazing seasons.
15. But You’ll Always Think Summer Is Totally Overrated
Thanks to all the tourists, everyone else’s favorite time of year is your least favorite. Avoid the Cape at all costs.
16. Bad Boston Accents Will Make Your Ears Bleed
Good luck watching any film or TV shows set in Boston ever again.
17. Forget L.A.—Massachusetts Has The Best Celebrities
Matt and Ben are forever your bros, no matter how big they get.
18. When Someone Calls You A Masshole You Say Thanks
You know it’s not supposed to be a compliment, but if you live in Massachusetts long enough you’ll start to take pride in it. It’s pretty twisted if you think about it.
19. Plus, Other Drivers Will Always Seem Pathetic And Spineless
Bay Staters know how to bang a left with the best of them, and anyone who thinks turn signals are a necessity (or anyone who doesn’t get a bit… crazy on the road, from time to time) clearly just doesn’t know how to drive.
20. They’ll Always Be Jimmies
And no one can tell you differently, which will make ordering “chocolate sprinkles” really confusing every time you travel.
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21. And Jimmies Must Be Served On Top Of Brigham’s
Because no other ice cream will ever compare to Brigham’s.
22. You Will Forever Need To Have Fluff And Peanut Butter On Hand
A pantry without both of those ingredients is just a fluffernutter emergency waiting to happen. And yes, there are fluffernutter emergencies. I’ve been there. You’ve been there. We’ve all been there.
23. Finding A Crosswalk To Cross The Street Is Basically A Joke
Every pedestrian in Massachusetts is a jaywalking pro. Fortunately, every driver in Massachusetts is a jaywalker dodging pro.
24. You’ve Tasted Real Cranberries And You’re Not Going Back
Watered down diet cran-grape mixed juice from a supermarket? No, thank you.
25. You Totally Forget What The Letter R Sounds Like
It’s an “ah” sound right? It’s not an “ah” sound? Then what the heck is it?
26. You Have INSANE Trust Issues With Weathermen
Sure, the weather channel says it will be sunny and sixty degrees. And it will be. For all of five minutes before it starts hailing.
27. Patriots Will Always Be More Than Just A (Fantastic) Team
They’re every person from the Bay State. If you’re from Massachusetts, you will forever be the most patriotic person in the room.
Did we miss anything? Tell us how Massachusetts spoils you for your life in the comments below!
