1. Reese’s Will Never Fill The Hole Buckeye Candies Left In Your Heart
It might be the same basic idea, but somehow all the best qualities are lost in the execution.
2. You’ll Cry At Housing Prices If You Move To A City Of A Comparable Size
Remember when you only spent a quarter or less of your income for really nice housing? Oh… those were beautiful times.
3. You Won’t Have To Pretend To Remember Someone
How does everyone in Columbus know each other? Usually through one of their fifty family members in the area, or by being alumni of the same school. Either way, you won’t have to pretend that person you just bumped into looks familiar quite as often outside C-Bus.
4. It’s Awesome Being The Only One Of The Three C’s That Matters
Literally no one outside of Ohio cares about Cincinnati or Cleveland at all. Columbus is way more recognizable to everyone else, and they’ll even ask ex-Ohioans from the other two C’s how close their city is to Columbus.
5. No One Is Quite As Intense As Ohio State Buckeyes Fans
If you try shouting the first letters of another state’s team in a crowded grocery store like you shout “O-H!” in Columbus, people might back away instead of joining in.
6. And That’s Why Everyone Hates Ohio State Buckeye Fans
Sorry to tell you, it’s not just the whole state of Michigan. It’s literally everyone who’s ever played against your incomparable team. Oh, if only you cared.
7. Most People From Columbus Aren’t Actually From Columbus
Every time you run into a fellow Columbus expat, you’ll realize five minutes into your conversation that they’re actually from Reynoldsburg or Dublin.
8. You’ll Forever Laugh In The Face Of Measly Lesser Burgers
Because you’ve eaten a Thurman Burger from The Thurman Cafe, and you had absolutely no shame about it.
9. Someone Will Ask You Why Your Dog’s Name Is Brutus
And it will literally be the first time you’ve ever had to explain that to anyone. Nope, it’s not a Caesar thing.
10. Everyone Thinks You Grew Up With Cows In Your Backyard
Come on, Columbus is a major city. There weren’t any cows in your backyard. (They were just there every time you drove down any highway leaving Columbus.)
11. And They’ll Be Surprised You Know Anything About Art
Because it’s not like you spent half your free weekends at the Wexner Center for the Arts, or the Gallery Hop in Short North, or the Columbus Museum of Art that has one of the best collections of impressionist works ever. Cows? Please.
12. But You’ll Cry Tears Of Joy When You Find A Jeni’s
Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams started in Columbus (you knew it was cool before it was cool), but they’ve slowly started branching out. Every time you successfully hunt down that salted caramel goodness, you’re required to treat yourself.
13. The Next Election Will Be A Breath Of Fresh Air
And you’ll stop jumping and recoiling every time your phone rings for fear it’s another pollster or a volunteer desperately trying to convince you to vote for their candidate.
14. You’ll Actually Miss Being A Guinea Pig
Columbus gets first taste of all of the weirdest experiments food scientists can come up with, most of which never make it past the city.
15. You Will Forever End Every Sentence With A Preposition
It’s not, “Where did you park the car?” It’s, “Where’s the car at?” It doesn’t matter how many times grammar snobs correct you. Isn’t that just an archaic rule anyway?
16. No One Cares If You Went To The Ohio State
If you correct someone, they’ll probably ask, “Which other Ohio State University would I be talking about?”
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17. No One Gets Why You Still Root For The Blue Jackets
“But aren’t they kind of terrible?” Yeah… but they’re your terrible, you know?
18. Fourth Of July Will Never Be The Same Again
Not after you’ve braved the crowds at Red, White & BOOM! and it was totally awesome and worth it.
19. Cup O’ Joe Isn’t On Every Corner
Just order a Starbucks extra hot black coffee, burn off all your taste buds because you won’t want them anymore, and you’ll get through the pain.
20. No One Will Get Why You Spent So Much Time In A Mall
But Easton Town Center is not just a mall. It’s an experience. An experience that you willingly had over and over again for years.
21. Scarlet And Red Will Always Look Different To You
Everyone from Columbus just has a very highly trained eye.
22. You Can Finally Stop Waiting For That IKEA To Come In
Sure, Columbus is set to finally get an IKEA of their very own in 2017, but at least you’ll be able to stop speculating about when the IKEA is coming if you leave Columbus.
23. Radio Kind Of Sucks Everywhere Else
All these years Columbus locals have been jamming out to 102.5, the alternative station, and they totally forgot that everything else is just the same Katy Perry song on repeat on every station.
24. You Love More Small Town Things Than Anyone Else From A Major City
The State Fair makes you really excited. You know your way around a game of cornhole. It’s not that Columbus doesn’t have city amenities you love, but you know how to enjoy the simple things in life too.
25. Science Will Never Seem Cooler Than At COSI
Sure, there are other science and industry museums, but none that will ever compare to your memories of making massive bubbles in the bubble room at COSI and eating Dip ‘n Dots because it’s the ice cream of the future.
26. And Holidays Won’t Seem As Festive Without A Trip To The Columbus Zoo
Tons of cute animals at one of the best zoos in the country, and a totally awesome lights display are hard things to live without come the holiday season.
27. Cities Are Usually Concrete Jungles
They’re rarely full of the gorgeous parks, the Franklin Park Conservatory, and bike paths you got used to in Columbus.
28. Caring About Soccer And Football Are Usually Mutually Exclusive
Ohio State Buckeyes fans have no problem switching over to root on the Crew come soccer season, but you have to choose a favorite almost everywhere else.
29. Natural Disasters Are Things That Actually Happen Sometimes
Not just a tornado warning, but actual tornados. Or earthquakes, or forest fires, or floods. Seriously, the rest of the world is apparently falling apart all the time.
30. Just Because You Trash Talk C-Bus Doesn’t Mean Anyone Else Can
Don’t be afraid to set boundaries. You’re allowed to rag on Columbus, but only because you also secretly kind of love it. Outsiders are not permitted.
What do you miss most about Columbus? Tell us in the comments below!
