30 Phrases People From Philadelphia Would Never Be Caught Saying“Hey, look—there’s no construction on 95!”
1. “How ‘Bout Them Cowboys?”
First, they’re only referenced here as the Cowgirls. Second, the only time their performance is discussed is when they’ve been crushed by the Eagles. If (by some miracle) they do win, it’s followed by a week of disgust, misery, and hopes that maybe the Phils will turn it around this year.
2. “Some Of My Best Friends Are Yankees Fans”
Philly is the city of brotherly love and true friendship can endure a lot of differences. But there’s no such thing as a Philadelphian who is friends with a Yankees fan, let alone multiple Yankees fans. The line has to be drawn somewhere. Yankees fans are the worst humans on Earth. It’s a scientific fact with no margin of error. Sorry, not sorry.
3. “I’m Headed Downtown”
What is this “downtown” of which you speak? It’s Center City, fool.
4. “The Rocky Movies? Never Seen ’Em.”
In order of importance, the hierarchy of Philadelphia knighthood goes as such: William Penn, Ben Franklin, Rocky Balboa. For the folks in South Philly, bump Rocky up to first place. It might sound silly to outsiders, but no one cares. Everyone knows Rocky single-handedly ended the Cold War.
5. “I’ll Take Some Soft Serve With Sprinkles”
Sprinkles? What is this, kindergarten? When you’re in Philly, you order your ice cream like a grown adult – with jimmies. And no, they’re not those little crystals or the colorful beads that chip your teeth, jimmies are the larger, oblong variation, probably derived from unicorn tears.
6. “I’ll Take My Cheesesteaks With Mozzarella And Onions”
You should order it “whiz, wit.” You can order it “provolone, wit” or “provolone, witout.” Any other cheese or onion request and you’ve just exposed yourself as a noob. Even worse is when people try to get fancy. Take your sautéed mushrooms and green peppers and go make a stroganoff, you sissy.
7. “I’m Running Late, I Think I’ll Take 676”
Count 76 and the dreaded Boulevard out, too. Recent data actually reveals that people who have to commute on 676 between 95 and 76 lose 125 hours of their lives and 54 gallons of gas every year thanks to the never-ending traffic.
8. “I Don’t *Get* The Mummers”
What did you just say? Listen here, it doesn’t matter if you “get” The Mummers or not. All that matters is that you shut your mouth, grab an umbrella, and start struttin’.
9. “In West Philadelphia, I Born And Raised…. Damn, I Forget The Rest”
Don’t lie. Even my grandmom knows the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song. And you proudly dance like it’s 1991 every time.
10. “Parking Ticket? Never Got One.”
I was once wrongly detained in a Mexican prison and spent three months fighting my way back home. Okay, that never actually happened, but if it did, I can guarantee you it would have been a less ruthless experience than trying to fight the PPA. They didn’t make a reality show about it for no reason.
11. “Hey Look— There’s No Construction On 95!”
There are very few universal truths that ring true for all 1.5 million Philadelphians. One is that you will always get a ticket at Grant and The Boulevard. The other is that there will always be a lane closed on 95, two if it’s the height of rush hour. Forget gamma rays, this is probably how the Hulk became the Hulk.
12. “Where Are We Gonna Drink?”
Everyone has their favorite corner bar which are usually (and preferably) dives. But if that doesn’t do it for you, the city has over 200 BYOB restaurants. But the real place that you’re going to be drinking tonight is in your best friend’s fully loaded basement bar. It’s probably got wall-to-wall wood paneling, a second-generation sofa, and a karaoke machine you half-remember belting out Bonnie Tyler on, and there’s no place on Earth like it.
Wawa. That’s what. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, Wawa is the thing that Philadelphians will miss the most. The coffee, the iced tea, Hoagiefest, a bacon, egg, and sausage breakfast bagel that has been sitting under the hot lamp for four hours. Nobody does it better.
14. “You Know What This City Needs? More Art.”
Look to your left and what do you see? A mural. Look to your right and what do you see? Oh yeah, another mural. The city also has more fine art than anywhere in the world outside of Paris.
15. “I Got A Sub For Lunch”
Or even more ridiculous, a “hero.” Subs are found in the ocean. Heroes wear capes or drive fire trucks. If you want the best sandwich of your life on a roll, then it’s a hoagie, people. No exceptions.
16. “Any Pretzel Will Do”
Soft pretzels are a Philly staple. But they have to look like in the photo. Those places at the mall are just a cheap imitation of what a real soft pretzel tastes like. And yes, everyone wonders where those guys peddling them on the highway are going to the bathroom.
17. “Everyone Bakes A Cake As Tasty As A Tastykake”
What a lie. Nobody bakes a cake as tasty as a Tastykake. The first time you found out that people outside of the Philadelphia area don’t have access to these, you immediately promised your Butterscotch Krimpet that you were never leaving.
18. “Philly Just Isn’t Weird Enough”
You don’t need to ask for weird in Philly because it’s served to you on a silver platter. You have the world’s only Three Stooges museum, the Stoogeum. There’s a place devoted entirely to bugs, the Insectarium. Check out the preserved skeleton of Siamese twins along with other skulls and brains and creepy things at the Mutter museum. And no one ever wonders why there’s a giant clothespin sitting outside of City Hall. That’s just how Philly rolls.
19. “I Wonder What A Human Heart Looks Like”
If you grew up in Philly, you know exactly what the human heart looks like. You’ve even been inside one. The Franklin Institute’s human heart exhibit is a rite of passage for every kid who has ever been on a school field trip here.
20. “Don’t Worry, There Will Be Plenty Of Parking On Broad Street”
Hope you brought some plastic to pay for a parking garage while you mumble a garden variety of expletives under your breath. Parking in the city is enough to drive Ghandi to a life of court-mandated anger management classes. It just goes with the territory.
21. “A Blizzard Is Coming—I’m So Glad I Live In Manayunk!”
Manayunk: fun for bar hopping, a death trap in half an inch of snow.
22. “These Rolls Suck”
What is it exactly that makes the hoagies, cheesesteaks, and pork sandwiches impossible to authentically replicate outside of the city? Most people assume it’s in the meat, but it’s not. It’s all about the roll.
23. “The Phanatic Is So Dumb”
If you want to talk smack on the Phanatic, you’re gonna have a hard time here. And stop asking what he is. He’s awesome, that’s what he is.
24. “Take The Subway”
Subway? You must mean The El. The only thing called Subway in Philly is a below average sandwich shop.
25. “Nah, You Don’t Need To Lock Your Car”
Yes, you really do.
26. “What Are The Words To The Eagles Fight Song Again?”
Even if you don’t follow football, the Eagles fight song is still burned into your brain. It’s everywhere you go from September through December, longer when the Birds are doing well.
27. “Man, I Wish We Could Be As Cool As New Jersey”
It’s bred into all Philadelphians to avoid New Jersey if and when at all possible. This doesn’t stop anyone from flooding the Jersey shores come summer time, mind you.
28. “This Party Doesn’t Have Any Yuengling”
If you walk in on a party in Philly and there’s no Yuengling in the place, you might want to rethink your friendship. There’s clearly a traitor in your midst.
29. “Man, I Really Wish This Place Had A Little More History”
The Liberty Bell is what everyone thinks of when it comes to Philly’s history, but it’s just the tip of the iceberg. The Constitution Center, Independence Hall, Betsy Ross’ house where she supposedly stitched together some flag, maybe you’ve seen it?
30. “The Media Is Right, We Really Are The Worst Fans In The Country”
The national media loves to remind everyone about the time Philly fans threw snowballs at Santa Claus every chance they get. But they neglect to mention that it happened over fifty years ago and Santa was stone drunk. Philly fans are true sports fans for the Big 4: The Phils, the Birds, Flyers, and 76ers. There’s no golf clapping here. They let their teams know when they’re slacking off and they support them, win or lose, year after year, filling stands no matter what. That’s called passion. That’s Philly. Did we miss anything? Tell us the last thing anyone from Philadelphia would say in the comments below!
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