25 Things You Need To Know About Ohio Before You Move ThereWhy does Ohio rock? We've got 25 reasons right here.
1. This Is The Only Candy That Matters
What you are drooling over is called a Buckeye; it tastes like a cherub spent a century messaging peanut butter with its chubby fingers, wrapped it lovingly in milk chocolate, and then hand delivered it to your mouth. What's the catch? If you have a Buckeye anywhere outside of Ohio, it will taste like a chocolate dipped disappointment.
2. You Must Pick A Side: Cincinnati v. Cleveland.
If you are from Cincinnati, you hate people from Cleveland. If you are from Cleveland you hate people from Cincinnati. If you put enough of people from both cities in a room, a fight will break out. This means you always have something to talk about, even when it's not baseball or football season.
3. Unless You're From Columbus
There is one exception to the point above. People living in Columbus do their best to pretend they are above the fray.
4. Every Four Years Politicians Lose Their Shit For Ohio
Like clockwork, every presidential election cycle politicians and media start reminding everyone that Ohio is a swing state. It's as if everyone forgets Ohio is the seventh most populous state in the Union. It has, and I'm not exaggerating, like a billion electoral votes. What this mean? If you want to shake hands with the future president, you'll get your chance in Ohio.
5. That's Not How You Say It
Quick, what's a carbonated beverage like Coke or Pepsi called? It's called "pop"--not "soda." And don't even think about calling it "Coke" like they do down South. Ohioans know what I mean.
6. Two People In Ohio Got Together And Spawned This
Sure, there were some hurt feelings when King James left the Cleveland Cavaliers, but do you really think we aren't proud of one of the best basketball players of all time? Do you think we are stupid?
7. We Admit Our Mistakes
Guy Fieri might have grown up in California, but he was born in Ohio. We apologize to any taste buds that were harmed in the making of his "Slamma Jamma Parmigiana."
8. We Are The Die-Hardiest of Die-Hards
Let's be honest with ourselves, shall we? Professional sports teams in Ohio are, for the most part, a mess. The Browns? I won't even make the obvious toilet joke. The Bengals? I think they won a playoff game in 1990. The Reds? Seriously, why is Dusty Baker still the manager. But does it really matter? We are all going to watch. There's just no room for bandwagon fans.
9. The Fan Section Other Cities Want
Speaking of professional sports: One day some Cleveland Browns fans got together and decided that if their team wasn't going to show up and actually play a game worth watching, then they were going to show up and entertain the crowd. And thus was born the Dawg Pound, the rowdiest bleacher section in major league football.
10. Chili Goes On Top Of Noodles
Let me dispel some myths for you: First, putting beans in your chili is sacrilegious. Second, you don't slop your meaty goodness into a bowl and call it day. Here's what you do: You combine some cinnamon, cloves, allspice, and a little chocolate with your meat. Then you ladle this over spaghetti noodles and pile with cheddar cheese. Finally, you pray to whatever mad god, created Cincinnati chili.
11. It's We Are Where "Star Trek" Will Begin, In Real Life
When the Vulcans finally make contact, they will look to Ohio to teach the rest of the world the intricacies of spaceflight. There are, by last count, 24 astronauts who are native to the Buckeye state. The there are another 10 who called the state home at some point.
12. We Know How To Spell With Our Arms
13. Our Scenery Will Make You Cry
There is a magical place in Southeastern Ohio known as Hocking Hills. You go to this scenic fairyland to hike and camp. You will probably see a double rainbow. No promises, though.
14. Ohio Rocks!
Cleveland is home to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum, 150,000 square feet of badassery. Who's ready to rock?
15. You Must Eat A Frisch's Big Boy Hamburger
In Ohio, you know a classic burger comes with tartar sauce.
16. We Have An Entire Island Dedicated To Being Awesome
Life in Ohio isn't complete unless you take at least one vacation to Put-in-Bay on South Bass Island. While there, check out Perry's Victory & International Peace Memorial and the Butterfly House, which has 50 types of butterfly. Which is 49 more than you'll find most places.
17. The Lord Of Frosties And Fries
Next time you are dunking a french fry into one of your Wendy's Frosty (chocolate, of course), remember to thank Ohio. Also, if you haven't done this, you are essentially a heathen.
18. Everyone Is Insane For OSU Football
No matter where you go in the state, probably the country too, there is a sizable contingent of OSU fans. If you come to Ohio, you need to adopt the scarlet and gray, or leave.
19. The "Christmas Story" Home Is Our States Major Award
Not only is "A Christmas Story" the best holiday movie ever, the house it was filmed in is real. You can even go there and purchase a major award to decorate your living room window.
20. The Only Halloween Party That Matters
Every year Athens--the students in the city, not the municipality--throw a giant Halloween party. If you don't go at least once, you're not a true Ohioan.
21. Please, Excuse Us
If you're from Ohio, you'll know at least one person who says "Please?" when they don't hear or understand something. Chances are said person is from Cincinnati.
22. Put That Away
Speaking of funny language, if you're from Ohio you probably know someone who says they "put something up" opposed to "put something away." That's the Southern influence on Cincinnati, y'all.
23. Take A Carriage Ride Through Amish Country
Ohio has the world's largest Amish community. It's not like "Amish Mafia," but if you find an Amish breakfast place, pull over. It doesn't matter if you aren't hungry.
24. Other States Are Not Amused
There are two major amusement parks in Ohio. The major park, the Mecca of Midwestern rollercoasting is Cedar Point in Sandusky. The other is King's Island near Cincinnati. Do yourself a favor and go to both.
25. We Laugh At Other People's "BBQ"
There is this new thing in Cincinnati called "barbeque sauce." You can purchase it at a place known as Montgomery Inn. I have it on good authority that it is essentially flavored crack.