1. That No True Local Would Be Caught Dead In South Beach
Source: Flickr user Stig Nygaard
Ocean Drive in South Beach is a tourist-infested area with tons of overpriced restaurants, bars and all sorts of other ridiculousness that nobody should ever be subjected to. Locals know better than to venture here.
And that's really all there is to say about that.
2. That “Palmetto” Is Basically A Four Letter Word
For most people in Florida, “palmetto” would conjure thoughts of those big, ugly cockroaches known as palmetto bugs. But not for Miamians, oh no. They have a much worse Palmetto to contend with: the Palmetto Expressway.
If you drive on this stretch of State Road 826 anywhere between the hours of 5 a.m. and 3 a.m., you'll probably regret it. More than one-quarter of a million vehicles travel the Palmetto Expressway every day. Slowly. Very slowly.
3. When It’s Appropriate To Wear Flip Flops (Spoiler Alert: The Answer Is All. The. Time.)
Source: Flickr user funky fat girl
Sure, people in Miami love to get all snazzied up... they'll even primp for two hours before going to the gym.
But flip flops—referred to, of course, by their Spanish name, chancletas—are the single most important piece of footwear in the city. They are appropriate for any occasion, whether it's hitting the beach, the mall, or a funeral.
4. That Dan Marino Never Goes Out Of Style
While others may balk at the idea of donning a shirt with the unlucky number 13, people in Miami are proud to slip it on.
That was Dan Marino's jersey number. The legendary Miami Dolphins quarterback is a hero in this city. Although he never won a Superbowl, his amazing arm took the team to the playoffs 10 times in his 17 seasons.
5. That The Trunk Of A Car Is The Best Place To Buy Seafood
Source: Flickr user miamism
Miami has lots of people selling produce and flowers and other random things on the sides of busy roads (and sometimes in the middle of them). It's not an uncommon site in well-traveled areas of big cities.
But then there are the all those people selling fish, shrimp, and other seafood out of their trunks. You'll see it around Miami and even more in Hialeah next door.
Most people would be a little hesitant. But Miamians are undeterred by what others would consider an invitation to a very personal three-day date with the toilet. And you know what? They like what they get, and they seem to be doing alright.
P.S. You can also score some sweet deals on designer handbags out of trunks, too.
6. How To Be Fashionably Late Miami-Style
Source: Flickr user pinguino k
In most places, your guests would be showing up long before you're ready for them. Every host's nightmare. Not in Miami, though, where start times have their own special meaning.
Rather than indicate when people should arrive, party start times apparently indicate when people should begin thinking about maybe starting to get ready sometime in the next hour or so.
So, savvy local hosts simply tell people to arrive a few hours before they actually want them to. Then, the guests start rolling in at the appropriate time.
7. That All The Jokes About Miami Drivers Are Actually Understatements
There are so many jokes about how bad the drivers are in so many U.S. cities—and Miami is certainly no exception—but seriously... it's so very, very true here.
Here, in the city that's twice won the “Rudest Drivers in America Award,” people will blare their horns at you just for stopping at a stop sign. In fact, I'm pretty sure they use their horns more than their turn signals, brakes, or rear view mirrors. Combined.
8. That Starbucks Ain’t Got Nothing On Cafecito
Source: Flickr user Juanedc
Forget your venti skinny triple-shot vanilla latte. In Miami, there's only one way to get your caffeine on: un cafecito.
This Cuban coffee is strong, delicious, and the preferred way to fuel up in this city. If you meet anyone in Miami who isn't addicted, they're either a tourist, a new transplant, or they have some unfortunate heart condition that contraindicates caffeinated beverages.
9. That Awkward Moment When You Realize You Recognize Someone Next To You From…Ahem.. Adult Enterainment
Source: Flickr user Hans Gruber
There's nothing flaccid about the porn industry—especially internet porn—in Miami. In a city with so many production companies and so many aspiring stars with fake tans and fake boobs, 1 in 6 residents have acted in a porn flick.
OK, I made that stat up. And it's probably an exaggeration. Still, though, at some point you're bound to spot someone on the street or in a restaurant that looks reeeeeeally familiar. And then, when you finally place his or her face (yeah, because that's what you were looking at), you realize you're staring and quickly avert your eyes and pretend nothing happened.
10. A Tropical Depression + Warm Water And Wind = Party Time!
All those Yankees get their snow days... in Miami, getting off from school or work for a hurricane day means it's time to party.
Like they really need an excuse to party in Miami.
But this time, guests may stay a few days. And along with stocking up on bottled water and canned goods, everyone brings some music, games, and of course tons of booze.
What can I say, even with Mother Nature is reigning down her worst there is no better city than Miami.
Feature Image Source: Flickr user Mister Wilson