Ah, the suburbs: Known as some of the best places in the country to raise a family, to install that white picket fence surrounding your perfect green lawn, and to perhaps join a country club and take up golfing. Basically, as urbanites seem to think, a great place to grow old and die. Most likely from boredom.
That being said, which of the nation’s suburbs was the most sultry, suggestive, and downright sensual? According to the latest ranking at the Movoto Real Estate Blog (a damn sexy blog, we might add), that honor goes to Miami Beach. Of course, that wasn’t the only place we looked at that got our pulses racing. Here are the 10 Sexiest Suburbs in America:
“Okay,” you’re thinking, “the first three make sense… but Cornelius? Really?!” Yes really, and if you’re wondering how we came up with this list, keep on reading. We’ll also take a closer look at each of our top 10, including the perhaps not-so-sexily-named Cornelius.
How We Created This Ranking
As we quickly found out in this analysis, we didn’t need to bring sexy back to these ‘burbs; they brought it to us. But how did we determine which of the nation’s suburbs were the sexiest?
Well, like any good evening, we started things slow with a list of the largest suburban communities in the U.S. That ended up being a total of 139 places. Then, using business listings from Yelp and weather data from Areavibes, we looked at these places in terms of the following:
- Nightlife per capita (bars, clubs, comedy, etc.)
- Lingerie stores per capita
- Adult stores per capita (novelties, videos, etc.)
- Adult entertainment per capita (strip clubs, burlesque, use your imagination…)
- Massage parlors per capita
- Hotels per capita
- Average summer temperature (the hotter = the fewer clothes = the better)
As you can see, we wanted to include a little something for everyone, and once we had these criteria, things really started heating up. We gave each place a score from 1 to 139 across the seven sexy criteria above, with one being the best. Then, we averaged each place’s rankings into an overall Big Deal Score—and in this case, size did matter. The lowest score was the best spot (insert dirty joke here), Miami Beach.
These weren’t the only sexy suburbs in the nation, though. For a list of the top 50 sultry ‘burbs, you can check out the table at the end of the article. For now, though, brace yourselves, because we’re heading to Miami Beach, and things are about to get hot.
Did we say it was going to get hot? I’m sorry, we meant burning hot; like 83 degrees hot. Of course, this high average summer temperature isn’t the only reason Miami Beach sizzled its way to the top of our list.
This land of bikinis and skirts so short you’d think they were headbands is also the home to a number of other sexy things…mostly done under the cover of night. With clubs like Kill Your Idol and Twist, just to name a couple, Miami Beach was the best suburb as far as nightlife goes.
Miami Beach also ranked the highest for the number of places you can go after the club—hotels per capita. Additionally, it came in third and second in the categories of adult stores and adult entertainment, respectively.
A couple of degrees cooler and about five hours north is our second sexiest suburb, Jacksonville Beach. It may not have quite the array of adult entertainment that Miami Beach does, but it more than makes up for it in nightlife.
Places like Shim Sham Room, Lynch’s, and Engine 15 are just a few local hangouts, which, okay, aren’t exactly sexy in themselves, but are certainly good watering holes for meeting new potential…friends.
Jacksonville Beach also ranked well for its number of hotels per capita, plus its high number of lingerie stores. The perfect combination for any good Saturday night.
What’s sexier than being in the city of Los Angeles? Not being in the city of Los Angeles, apparently.
Aside from the fact that everyone in Santa Monica seems to be gorgeous (not one of our criteria, just pure scientific fact), Santa Monica ranked well nearly across the board.
It came in third for its number of lingerie stores, nightlife, and massage places, fourth for its number of hotels, and sixth for places like Secret Desires and the Adult Love Boutique (i.e., adult).
Cornelius? Cornelius?! How could a place named Cornelius possibly be one of the sexiest suburbs in America? Well, according to our analysis, it’s mostly due to nightlife. Cornelius ranked sixth in terms of nightlife per capita, and ninth for lingerie stores per capita (sort of a different kind of nightlife…)
Where places like Santa Monica and Miami Beach ranked well in adult and adult entertainment, Cornelius kept things classy, instead earning points for its high number of massage places per capita. But should things get a little spicey, this suburb also has a pretty good number of hotels to choose from.
5. Dublin, OH
If you ever wondered why Dublin, OH ranked the No. 1 Happiest Suburb in America, we think we’ve got your answer. In a word: lingerie. In three: Lingerie, hotels, and nightlife.
This suburb ranked better than 135 other places we looked at for its number of lingerie stores per capita, and better than 133 for hotels per capita. Plus, with tons of nightlife options, including the Emerald City Ballroom where you can actually learn to step sexily with tango or salsa lessons, it seems Dubliners do indeed have much to smile about.
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If you’ve ever been to Frederick, the first thing you probably said upon seeing its downtown or adorable little homes was “Awwwwww!” Upon closer inspection, though, you might be shouting a different sort of exclamation, because this place is hot.
Frederick came in as the 11th best overall for its nightlife per capita, and 17th for its number of hotels. It also ranked well for a high number of lingerie stores, or, if you’re not quite to that hotel plus lingerie stage yet, there are plenty of places like the Verbena Day Spa to get a nice, relaxing couples massage.
We’re back to Florida for the third time in this study—who knew the Sunshine State was so sexy? This time, we’re heading to Atlantic Beach, one of the hottest (literally) suburbs in the country.
Average summer temperatures of 81 degrees aside, Atlantic Beach sizzled for its high number of nightlife options and hotels per capita. But it downright burned the others we looked at with its first place ranking in the lingerie department, with places like Sunset Novelties and the aptly named Love Nest, to name just two.
First, a little background information to make the fact that this Iowa city is on our list even more shocking: Until 1852, Council Bluffs was known as Kanesville… and was the historic starting point of the Mormon Trail.
Fastforward a century and a half or so, and Council Bluffs is looking a lot different. These days it seems more stores are carrying adult toys, videos, and, well, use your imagination, than The Book of Mormon. Council Bluffs ranked 13th and 12th for adult stores and adult entertainment, respectively.
If that’s not your thing, the city also has plenty of good old fashioned nightlife and hotels.
Remember that show “The O.C.” with Mischa Barton and that guy from “Scooby Doo”? (Google it, it’s true.) Well, that is just a taste of the sheer sexiness that is Orange County.
Specifically in Seal Beach, things get hot, not so much for temperature, but for its high number of lingerie stores and massage places per capita. Plus, with dives like O’Mally’s and Dave’s Other Place, there are a lot of nightlife options to meet Mr. or Ms. Right… or Right Now.
10. Plano, TX
Okay, we’ll admit, we were a little surprised by this one, but that’s just because we didn’t know about Plano’s sexy side. With average summer temperatures of 84 degrees (though it feels a lot hotter), this Texas city is easily, and literally, the hottest in our top 10. And the best way to keep cool? Less clothes.
…Or you could just step into one of the many adult stores or “dance” clubs. This city ranked 16th in the adult category and 29th for its adult entertainment. Trashy Goods, we’re lookin’ at you.
So Much For Boring
Lingerie, massage, nightlife, hotels, adult entertainment, and sizzling temperatures? So much for the ‘burbs being boring. Of course, not all of America’s suburbs are quite so sexy as Miami Beach, but there are certainly more than just these top 10. For a ranking of the 50 sexiest suburbs in America, check out the table below.
Don’t see your suburb and think you should? Let us know in the comments section. But please, people, let’s keep it PG13 at most.
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