1. If Austin Had A Flavor, It Would Be Breakfast Tacos
If each city had a flavor, Philly would be cheesesteak, New York would be pizza, Boston… beans, and Austin, well, Austin would taste like breakfast tacos. Specifically, Austin would taste like the Don Juan from Juan in a Million, or maybe the migas tacos from Tacodeli, or Torchy’s fried avocado tacos. Speaking of avocados…
2. Green Avocado Ice Cream Smooshed with Gummy Worms, Strawberries, and Chocolate Sauce? You Can Get It, But Should You?
This or any other combination really. Whatever you’re in the mood for, chances are Amy’s has it. Want chocolate sprinkles? Easy. How about bits of candy or peanut butter smooshed into your beer flavored ice cream? You got it. (Though seriously, why would you want it?)
3. Brisket So Good It Will Convert A Vegan PETA Member
Franklin Barbecue doesn’t have a line around the corner every day for no reason; it’s because of the brisket. The award-winning, critically acclaimed, mouthwatering brisket. If you don’t like it, you’re just wrong… because even a cow would.
4. Vegan Food So Good, It Doesn’t Taste Like Cardboard
Okay, not all vegan food tastes like paper; just most of it. But Austin happens to have found a way to make some of this board-like food actually taste delicious: Case in point, Mother’s, Casa De Luz, Conscious Cravings, and—ohmygosh—the vegan donuts at Red Rabbit. But if you’re looking for a real donut…
5. Bacon-Covered, Maple Syrup Icing-Drenched, Perfectly Puffed Donuts That Will Kill Your Diet at the Door
In other words, the Flying Pig from Gourdough’s donuts. Warning: Not a vegan-friendly food.
6. Tiger’s Blood Snow Cones with Cream on Top. Sounds Gross, Tastes AMAZING.
I have heard that people actually order other flavors from Sno Beach, although for the life of me I can’t imagine why.
7. A Giant Bowl of Melted Cheese, Black Beans, Avocado, and All Things (un)Holy at 3 A.M.
Would you like a bowl of cheese? Would you like it filled with beans? Would you like it with some chips? Would you like it as a dip? If you’re an Austinite, the answer should be a resounding yes. Yes, we love cheese, and we particularly love melted cheese filled with other stuff. We call this an appetizer. More specifically, we call it queso. And there’s only one place to get the best: Magnolia Cafe, especially at 3 a.m.
8. Miles of Texas, Miles and Miles of CHOCOLATE
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Oh, I’m sorry, I started thinking about Miles of Chocolate and went into a sort of drooling stupor. Must have banged my head on the keyboard.
9. The Mightiest Cone of Them All
I’m not talking ice cream. The chicken avocado cone at Mighty Cone is pretty simple: It is a cone filled with a tortilla, filled with chicken, avocado, and magic (which, let’s be honest, looks a lot like grease).
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10. Maguro Sashimi, Goat Cheese, Pumpkin Seed Oil, and Fuji Apple. Boom.
Unless you live in Austin, your city does not have this dish. And even if it did, there would be absolutely no possible way for it to be better than the dish served at Uchi. I dare you to challenge this.
11. Unleash Your Inner Carnivore at Hudson’s on the Bend
Vegetarians, vegans, and cows who can read, if you couldn’t tell by this heading, you might want to avert your eyes. But for you carnivores out there, Austin is the place for wild game. Delicious, tender, wild game. There are several options, but Hudson’s on the Bend is king.
12. Smoked Duck Enchiladas that Will Melt Your Face Off and a Margarita to Cool you Down
I will never forget the sad day when I learned that Tex Mex is not, in fact, a part of most American’s vocabulary, let alone diet. (I know, it’s right in the name; I was like six, okay?) Anyway, if you’re looking for Tex Mex that will melt your face off, get the smoked duck enchiladas from Matt’s (Famous) El Rancho. And for a uniquely Austin margarita, you’re going to want something shady: A Shady Thang from Shady Grove. What, did you think I was going to say Chuy’s? No. Absolutely not.
13. A Monte Cristo Sandwich That Will Have Your Mouth Watering and Arteries Screaming
Once you try the Hey! You Gonna Eat or What? food truck’s Monte Cristo—a Shiner Bock beer-battered sandwich with pit-smoked ham, mesquite-smoked turkey, cheddar and provolone cheese, and a homemade cherry and fig jelly—you will know the answer. (It’s yes.)
Annnd These Five Foods… Well, These Five Foods Suck In Austin.
1. Mexican Food
Hey. HEY! Calm down. What I mean here is, Austin does really, really good Tex Mex food; it is famous for it. But as far as authentic Mexican food goes, well, there is Fonda San Miguel, and there’s… well, you can always go back to Fonda San Miguel.
Do not tell me “P.F. Chang’s.” I will chopstick you.
What about Vespaio, you ask? Yeah, it’s okay. But one decent Italian restaurant does not a variety make.
Sure, there are a few seafood names in the Austin game (Clark’s, Perla’s, uh… Clark’s again…), but Austin isn’t the best place for fish. In fact, neither is Texas, unless it is fried and of the catfish variety. Which is disgusting. You want good seafood? Head to the West Coast.
There are absolutely no good Scandinavian food options in Austin. But seriously, did you really want Scandinavian food?
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